The Refreshment Table

FYI

2008-07-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

I will probably do all of my future blogging on my joint blog with Kurt, here...

I'm still around

2008-05-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

Just not blogging much these days (as you can see!) When I've got a few minutes, though, I like to read this blog, and leave comments....

http://gospeloffrank.blogspot.com/

Thoughts on Love

2007-04-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was really eventful for me in learning a little more about the importance of Love in the Church in particular. I got together with a friend last Friday, someone with whom I have alternately great times and tough times. We are very similar people and have similar hang ups, so we can often repell each other even though we so well understand each other. Anyways, we got together and started talking and all of the sudden we were admitting to each other all these things we struggled with and the things that were hurting our friendship and it was a really good, healing time for both of us. I really felt God's love for her, which is characteristically vastly different feeling than mine. His Love is deep and soul moving and powerful to heal and uplift and bring Life. Mine is more like simple affection--good feelings--and is more like a whimper compared to the gentle hurricane of God's Love. You know what I mean, I hope.

So anyways we both ended up really experiencing God's love that night--He was there showing us Himself and it was so good. I got home at 1am but didn't want to sleep. I felt so full and alive. So instead, I wrote out some thoughts. Here is an excerpt:

"It is love in the Church, in Christ’s Body, that shuts out the devil. It binds us together and allows each part to serve the others and be served so that the whole functions perfectly, allowing the Head to guide and go and do whatever He pleases. We MUST be unified. But before it can happen, the only way it is possible, is if we first are abiding in Christ. And more and more solidly, deeply all the time. It is HIS love that is shed abroad in our hearts...

..in Christ, how much distinction is there really between us as individuals? Does He look at our natural families and see boundaries and distinctions? To some extent—one man and one wife—and yet the bigger reality is that “there is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female, slave nor free man, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” ... We just need to love each other. I think we draw boundaries and say we should care more for blood than for other believers. But I think God sees it the other way: Body first. “honor one another above yourselves…” “share one another’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ”…these are our goals and the reality of living in Him, in His Spirit. ... No individual believer, related or not, would be more valuable than another to us. We are all one in Christ. The need of any brother, young or old, is a need to be cared for by the Body. It is possible, even likely, that I in myself am not equipped to meet all of the needs of my husband and son. Otherwise, they wouldn’t need the Body.

Until we are all rooted and grounded in love, in Christ Himself, though, there is no possibility for those boundaries to truly crumble. As long as we live in the natural self, it is most practical and probably most beneficial to draw boundaries and care for flesh and blood. But God has called us to more—He has given us more. This is a new age when we are free of natural means and rules and customs. Its hard to abandon them, because they are ingrained and because there is some fear to be dealt with. But we are not entrusting our families and lives to each other, but to CHRIST. And once He is fully formed in us, that is exactly as it will seem to us. I think we would naturally begin to love and serve across blood lines and not even see a distinction. But again, we must grow up into Him, and this change will be a natural consequence. It is something to look to. The world in its present form is passing away. Let’s embrace now all that He has given to us!"

So its just the beginning of understanding. And I have been criticized for failing to see real love between believers already happening. I am sure that it does. But I am an idealist, and I am looking for the Church to be all that God longs for it to be. For us to mature in Christ, to learn to hear and follow Him eagerly in everything. Yes there is some love, but does it extend to even the "lesser" members of the Body? Don't we still play favorites a lot? Until the love is completely freely given to any child of God's, I am not convinced it is wholly His love we are seeing. Because He plays no favorites, but we do. Some people do love other believers more than their own families, but that might be also because they find no love in their earthly families. I am not saying that this is a bad situation--how wonderful to have brothers and sisters in Christ!! But I want to see every brother the way God does. And I admit that right now, I have favorites.

So anyways, its all a lot of rambling. I guess I'm just ready to see something real and supernatural at work amongst us--I want to see God's real, powerful Love, that we experience and that pours into our hearts and out to others indiscriminately. And if you say it won't ever happen on earth, then I say maybe you're right, but I would rather keep hoping for it and asking God for it than to accept the status quo.

P.S. I enjoyed LOST last night, even though I agree with Jenny that Kate's impetuousness is tiresome and frustrating. (however Evengeline Lily's performance never is!) When I saw her with Jack last night I was like "uh uh! oh no you don't! You already chose Sawyer it's all over for you. But then, you don't even know what you want." Which made me feel kind of hopeless for her and about her in a way. All I have to say is that if she ever ends up with jack, she's really going to have to earn him and its going to be a BIG price--like some honesty and self-sacrifice and no more running and some real, genuine thinking for a change. ...Locke was so weird I don't even know what to make of him right now, yet his brief appearance was very unsettling which was cool. I liked that it made Kate seem very alone. Somehow I think that was key. The smoke monster was scary and cool as always. I loved watching it crash against the "wall" in front of Juliet's face. Yeah, it was a good episode. I do want to see some more Desmond though. That guy is awesome.

2007-03-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I have nothing nearly as interesting as Jenny Smith to blog about. Though I will take this moment to say that reading her about her travels in Scotland has given me a nasty case of wanderlust! I have been wanting to go to Ireland, Scotland, and Wales for a few years now. Reading her very detailed descriptions about her travels in Scotland makes me feel like I can almost taste it. I plan to go there someday, Lord willing.

Here in Glendale things have been pretty humdrum. The sky is overcast and its foggy, and yesterday I felt pretty blue and unmotivated to do ANYthing besides sleep. I don't think I would do well living in WA or thereabouts. I had to force myself to do some chores to snap out of my funk, and while normally that would get me on a roll and I would end up cleaning everything in sight, I actually just kept flopping on the couch after each completed chore. *sigh* Well, some days are just like that I guess. Today, even though the weather is the same, I feel in better spirits.

I have been innundated with calls from this lame-o debt collection group, Allied Interstate, who I've read is bordering on criminal in their practices. I ignore the calls because A) I have no debts that are in bad standing that would be sent to a collection agency and B) the person who had our phone number last apparently DID have some debts in bad standing and we're still getting calls for him two years later. Its really annoying and amusing at the same time that some of the callers do not believe me when I say that I don't know the man nor do I have any idea of his whereabouts. They usually call back a few times until I start getting more annoyed on the phone and tell them to stop calling for real because I for real don't know the guy. the people who are more on top of their business will check to see that the address and phone number on file match, which of course they don't.

So as a result of all that irritation, I was thinking yesterday about getting rid of the number and going with cell phones only and a wireless internet connection. But Kurt doesn't think it would be a financially viable option, and there don't seem to be any internet providers who would give us service for a reasonable rate or without the constraint of also purchasing a phone line or cable service. (We're all about catching the good shows on DVD, LOST excepted, and foregoing a cable bill). Any suggestions?

In other news, I have had some interesting experiences in prayer recently. I will be going about my day and suddenly get this feeling like the Spirit wants my attention. Then when I ask what is going on, if anything, someone will come to mind--or more specifically will be laid on my heart--and I will pray for them. As I pray, I get a sense of what that person is feeling, and more amazingly, what God seems to be feeling and wanting for that person. Most of the praying is not really in words per se; it seems like what the Bible describes as "groans that words cannot express" which it also tells us is the work of the Spirit to go to God on our behalf, when we don't know what to pray for. So anyway, it will go on for awhile and I will notice things change in the way the person or God feels, and then there will be this sense of relief or release or joy and it is over. Well here is the crazy cool part--several times now, three for sure, these prayers have directly coincided with actual events in these people's lives. Moments when they were desperate for answers or really hurting or needing help. One time in particular I was praying for a friend who was really troubled it seemed, and then around 10 something (I can't remember exactly anymore) I got the feeling she wasn't feeling anything anymore. Like she had passed out or gone to sleep. Sure enough, I learned the next day that she had fallen asleep at the time in question (after a very rough patch and time of prayer where God really spoke to her!).

What's also interesting about these experiences is I don't feel any responsibility or sense of accomplishment for them. I feel like a mere vessel of something God starts and God completes by His strength. When it is all said and done, I am grateful to have been used in some way, though it is clear that He didn't need me at all to do it. I think though that this kind of interceding is something that He likes to do in the Church, because we then experience His love for each other and see His heart. And each time it has resulted in my having a purer love for the person in question as well. It is very sobering and encouraging to be used in this way. Less of me and more of Him!

Ok, so I guess that was interesting afterall. Hope all of you out there are well...

2007-02-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

Well, Music & Lyrics was not a great film, but I still had a few laughs and enjoyed it. Mostly because I like Barrymore and Grant. But the best thing was just taking a break and relaxing.

After the movie I went to my Mom's to get Will, who it turns out barely slept at all for his nap, which made me feel badly for my mom. I didn't want her to have to do anything, especially since she was preparing for having my grandma over for dinner. But she didn't seem bothered by it, and I ended up staying and spending time with my grandma (mostly so she could see William. He is always the scene stealer).

I have still been stressed because I have catching up to do--today I worked on resizing a logo I did on spec, which the client turned out to love (thus I got the job). The logo was originally done at a low resolution though, in the interest of saving time on a slow-moving, low RAM machine, and so it has come back to bite me. She needed it taken care of asap, and so I sat down to do it this morning. I was using the GIMP which has been great so far but I have to learn it, and as a result I got so little done that I started stressing again. I called my Mom to see if I could get some lunch with her to just get away from the computer, and then asked if she could watch Will for the afternoon so I could just focus. Well, that was all great until I remembered half way through lunch that I had forgotten to call my friend and ask her to send Kurt's lunch to work with her husband, who also works at the school. (long story, not interesting). SO Kurt was without food. So I dropped off Will at my mom's, drove out to my friend's house, picked up the food, took it to Kurt and asked him if he could pick up William on the way home from school. Good. That should make my afternoon free. I lost 50 minutes of time by the time I had finally finished that errand and arrived back at home, but it couldn't be helped. WELL, I work for awhile and fortunately make great progress because maybe 45 min after getting home, I get a call from my mom saying that Kurt is on his way home with William already! The Idea was for Kurt to work at school like he usually does until 430 or 5ish, coinciding perfectly with the end of Will's afternoon nap. But I couldn't explain this to Kurt because I saw him in the middle of a class, and had to assume he understood what I meant by "I wanted to get some work done this afternoon so Will is at Mom's." Kurt actually rushed to get out of work to pick up Will BEFORE he went down for his afternoon nap. Ugh. The good news is that Will slept well and I got the logo done and started the next project, and had a nice evening with Kurt.

LOST was interesting, but I am still so disappointed in this relationship drama between Kate & Sawyer. And somehow it always strikes me as superlame when she calls him "James" with emphasis. I know it isn't Evangeline Lily's fault; she's a great actress as we have seen. But the writers can't figure out what to do with these two I don't think. Their relationship needed a lot more time to marinate in hardship and frustration before them coming together. They rushed it, maybe to get ratings. I dunno. But they need to fix the situation somehow. I think it helped a bit to see Sawyer pining for her, though. There is hope.

The VW van was cool.

FInally a break

2007-02-24T13:44:00.001-08:00

This week has been insane. I have been grading papers for my aunt (a 2nd grade teacher) and it has taken forever to finally finish. SO today, I will drop them off and reward myself with a movie --Music and Lyrics while my mom watches Will. Hopefully it will be a good break....

Lame!

2007-02-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I just got a large box which is my brand new iMac. Very exciting. I am waiting to open it until Kurt gets home, though, because I think he is even more excited than me about its arrival. But that is not the lame thing I wanted to write about. Here is the lamest--

I signed up for FedEx email updates to alert me as the package traveled through their system. I never got a single email, and figured that I had clicked a wrong button somewhere along the way, because if I went to their website and looked up the tracking number, there were numerous detailed entries about my computer's whereabouts. Well, I finally got an email from them just now, saying that the packaged had been delivered to me. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Today's top 5

2007-02-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

The top 5 things on my mind today (in no particular order)...

# 1 Should I get my hair cut? Most people would say yes, since it has been probably 8 months and it is long with dead ends. But, the fact is, this cut has grown out very nicely. Do I risk getting it cut and taking a style step backwards, albeit without split ends? Also, I have been thinking about vanity and wondering if expensive haircuts are a vanity (and I am not talking about Supercuts--I want to go to my hairdresser and maybe even get highlights). This is funny to me, that I'm thinking about that, because it is probably vain to wonder if one is vain. ANYways, the only justification I have come up with for the all-out haircut (and I think its a pretty good one) is that I am working again, and will be meeting my new employer soon, and I want to put a professional face on.

#2 When to go see my sister. She is living about an hour away now and I really want to spend some time with her, but I'm afraid she will be too busy. We've never been very close, though we're trying more these days. Especially since we are planning a 30th wedding anniversary party for my parents. I guess the reason I am hesitant about actually trying to make concrete plans with her is that I'm just used to not being part of her life in any major way, and maybe I feel like it will never change. Well, I will wait to see how things go, because I can't make plans until I know...

#3 When my new iMac is going to be delivered. Yes, I have joined the leagues of Mac owners. I have even acquired an iPod which someone left in Kurt's classroom a year ago and never claimed. So, old though it is, it is still an iPod and I am happy to have something more convenient than a discman for taking to the zoo with me.

#4 If the package I just dropped off at the post office will actually make it to Princeton by 6pm on Wednesday, as promised.

#5 How to find time to watch Chronicles of Narnia...I'm in the mood to relax and do something fun like that, but I need to clean the kitchen at least, and would also like to spend some time with the Lord too. I guess mainly I just want some peace because I feel like I'm all over the map mentally and emotionally today for some reason. Kind of weird but it might have to do with the change in weather. Its warmer, and last week when it was cold and drizzly for a couple of days I was so depressed. So I guess now I just want to go and do something or everything as the upswing, but at the same time I want to do nothing because lately I am realizing more and more that there is seriously nothing on earth that satisfies what I'm really wanting and needing. I find no meaning in fulfilling desires or wants or even human needs. My spirit wants something deeper and more lasting. I guess I just want God Himself. So maybe I don't want to find time to watch a movie, maybe I really want to find time to be with the Lord. And I don't see how housechores could take precedence over that.

Yea! Guess sometimes you can get what you want...

Its About Time

2006-09-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I mentioned Kurts fancy little gingerbread house and promised some pictures. Well, we have kept it all these long months and it has only recently become the home of quite a few hungry ants. So, since they are not paying rent, we must evict them and their now sullied home. But though we must bid farewell to our small sweet haven of Christmastime goodness, it will live on in digital memory. Behold, the Gingerbread House of the Fawn...

2006-09-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

Gingerbread House of the Fawn

2006-09-04T14:59:00.001-07:00

Its all in the details

2006-09-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

This truck used to have M & M's in its bed, but was quickly emptied of its precious cargo by munchie passers-by.

2006-07-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Today I was holding Will in my lap talking to him and smiling at him. I love this little boy! But he seemed less interested in me than in the bookcase to his left. I kept talking and bouncing him and trying to get his attention back, and occasionally he would look at me and smile real big. But no sooner had he looked and smiled than he turned away to his bookcase again, which did not make him smile. That made me kinda sad.

I'll bet Jesus feels that way with us sometimes. My attention span for really being still in His presence is pitifully short, even though I am so profoundly satisfied, filled, when I'm near to Him. I read in James 4 "Come near to God, and He will come near to you." Is it really that simple? Sometimes it seems impossible to be still in Him, but I don't doubt that James knew what he was talking about. So maybe I am sitting in Jesus' lap right now, and he is waiting for me to return His smile. Or maybe I am further and need to go looking for that lap I abandoned in pursuit of my bookcase. Either way, I'm excited to know that He'll come when I take the step toward Him.

2006-07-19T13:38:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah, I'm the cutest!

2006-07-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

Little Will, Little Will what do you see?

2006-07-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hey little man, whatcha thinkin?

2006-07-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

I found my hands!

Sounds Silly, but...

2006-07-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

So I just remembered this funny story from a couple of years ago. I was playing Solitaire at work while waiting for quitting time (there was no work to do at that point) and I had, of course, been losing. This was at a time in my life when I had been wondering if God really spoke to people anymore. So I asked Him to show me if He did or not. If I won the next game I played, then He speaks. Sounds superstitious, I know, but in my heart I really was asking Him to show me. So I played and, to my surprise, I won. But still I thought, "well that could be a cioncidence. Lord, if You really do speak, then make me win again." I clicked "deal" and played. And won again. It could still be a coincidence, so I asked Him to do it again. I clicked "deal". But this time I felt somehow that it would not be a winner. So I clicked deal a couple more times till I felt Him say it was a winner. I won again. Next hand, I felt the "not-a-winner" guiding again and clicked deal till I landed on one I felt in my heart He was "greenlighting". And Lo and behold I won yet again. By that time I felt Him clearly moving in my heart--"here I AM. Listen, because I do speak." It wasn't words, but it was as clear in my understanding as if someone had spoken to me. I had to laugh. Somehow I knew that as long as I was asking then He would keep directing me to the winning deals. (Well, as long as all I wanted was to know Him of course. ;) But He had already made Himself clear to me.

Ask and you shall receive! I guess God will use any means to show us Himself...

sigh

2006-07-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

I have reluctantly joined the ranks of MySpace users. This is so I can comment on other friends' pages, but not so I can stop blogging here (neverfear). I do not like MySpace very much for several reasons, the newest of which being that I discovered tonight that I cannot comment on my own page. I tried to post a comment and it told me "you must be someone 's friend to post a comment" so then I tried adding myself as a friend to myself but it told me "you cannot add yourself as a friend." SO there will be no comments from me on my own MySpace page until some kind savvy person tells me how. I suppose it is very easy but their interface isn't as intuitive as I need it to be I guess...

Worth reading!

2006-07-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this old entry on my friend Shane's blog...

2006-06-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Last night Jenny Smith came over and we watched the Hudsucker Proxy. Very entertaining! It was especially fun to watch it with her because she really likes it and its usually more fun to watch a movie with someone else who is really enjoying it. Not that I wouldnt have liked it anyway, but its more fun to laugh with someone else. I really liked the costume design and it made me think how much nicer women dressed in general in the 50s. It is on right now cause Kurt wanted to see the first half he missed, but he has fallen asleep. So Im thinking he didnt like it as much. He didnt laugh at the funny parts either, which was disappointing, but oh well. Jenny I am still laughing on the inside. You know...for kids.

This afternoon I went to my Moms house and watched Last Holiday with her and my sister. I was very thankful for the invite because I spent the morning dusting among other things and contrary to expectation there was suddenly so much dust in the air that I couldnt stop sneezing and blowing my nose. SO Will and I hung out with Grandma and Auntie. I ate a very tasty Fiesta Salad from Taco Bell and finished it off with a sugar-free York peppermint pattie which oddly enough tasted as good as the original variety, if you can believe it. Well, it tasted that good whether you can believe it or not. I could totally get the sensation. We also had Rocky Road and vanilla sundaes which were wonderful given that today was miserably hot (at least for here; perhaps would be a nice temperature for say, the Sahara).

So now the evening is winding down but it is light out and hot and I wonder what well do this evening. But aside from some kind of unpleasant weather I am thankful for my home and my family and for free time and peace so we can read or talk or play cards and just enjoy life.

BTW, my apostrophe key is for some reason bringing up the "find" feature of Firefox and I dont know how I made that key the shortcut but I apologize for the poor grammar of this entry. Hopefully it isnt too annoying to you all...

And here is my question to you all: What is your anxiety dream? I know something is eating me when I dream that Im driving and my brakes have to be pushed down super hard and I never come to a complete stop...and tend to roll into intersections. Really awful!

2006-06-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

my handsome little man!

2006-06-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

I bought a Staples brand stapler. It didn't work. Does that seem wrong to anyone else?

Almost a Country Song

2006-06-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I lost two good friends to the call of getting-out-of-LA. We all say it from time to time, but I think we all secretly love AND hate this place. I had hoped that love would win in the hearts of these friends of mine, but I guess "baby sometimes love just ain't enough."

Or maybe they just hated it here.

In any case, it is an empty hurt to say goodbye. Not news to anyone reading this I'm sure, but it really is like a void opening up in your heart and you're just not sure what will ever fill it. And you kind of despair that it will ever be filled. Cause if I have a hole in my heart shaped like Erika, and there is only one Erika now far away, what can I do? At least Julie is only in San Diego so our parting was not nearly so difficult. I know I will see her again, even frequently. But Erika is in Washington with family. There is very little reason for her ever to come back to LA.

But then in the midst of the hurt I felt the Lord's compassion, and He, like no other, can fill any void. And so even though when I think of that empty apartment downstairs I get sick in my stomach, there is no despair anymore. He has held me up and been more to me than a thousand dear friends. He bound up that wound so that it is only a sting, and only a temporary one at that! He has made that wonderful Day of His return so real to me. It will be no time at all before we all are gathered together and taken Home, and there will be so much joy and wonder and warmth! Its so near, only just around the corner! What a stirring thought and realization--we WILL be reunited, and in a place of real glory, goodness, perfection, beauty, joy, and LIFE. No pain here can compare with it! And no loss seems very great in light of what is coming. And then, as the whipped cream on top (or rich chocolate ganache if you prefer), I feel now how His children are all united by His Spirit and so are never really apart.

God is GOOD. What good things He has given us! What a hope we have in Jesus! So I guess Don Henley was wrong, cause Christ's love IS enough.

Now wasn't that a clever ending? I didn't really mean for that to happen, sorry.

Another thought on Providence

2006-06-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was talking to Jenny Smith yesterday about my previous post (the one thing needful), and she brought up a good point, which she also mentioned in her comment on said post--if God is a generous God, why would He be reluctant to give to those in need? I do think God is giving and gracious, and has a heart for the poor and needy. Why then do people starve in the world? I can't answer that and won't try. In my very long rambling post before, I think I did try to answer that question and I am perhaps not prepared to do so.

Very often I think we miss what God is doing and how He's provided because we were not looking for it. We are accustomed in this country to having not only our basic needs met, but with variety and high quality. We don't often ask Him to provide because there is no apparent lack. We not only have clothes, we have several outfits. We not only have food, we have many styles and varieties. Most of the time when I say there is "nothing to eat" or "nothing to wear" in my house, what I am really saying is that there is nothing I WANT to eat or wear. But in reality God has provided something to fill my stomach and cover my body. He never promised to always give us things that suited out tastes, only fill our needs. Not that He doesn't also at times lavish wonderful things on us, but I can't help but realize that the best meals I have ever eaten were the ones with real thankfulness in my heart, like the vegetarian bologna sandwich I was given by a stranger on the bus ride out of Denali National Park. I was SO hungry, we were out of food, and there was a long bus ride ahead. That sandwich, which I normally would have turned my nose up at, was a cause for tearful thanks and rejoicing in me, because it was a direct answer to my prayers and a clear sign of His providence to me at that time.

Six reasons I'm "weird"

2006-06-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

6. When I am a passenger in a car, I like to stare out the window and imagine I am clipping the hedges and bushes that we pass so that they are all perfectly flat on top. I have always imagined this.

5. Loud noises make me cry with emotion.

4. My "flying" dreams usually involve wearing scuba flippers.

3. A lot of mint toothpastes are actually cinnamony.

2. Some buildings give me headaches to look at.

1. I do not like the beach. I mentally combust when my feet touch the sand. Especially if I am wearing sandals. AH! So much for the So Cal summer...

In other news...
Dan Fabrycky, if you're out there, I have good news. Palm trees ARE native to CA. We even have our own variety! I don't know about you, but that's a big relief...

the one thing needful...

2006-05-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight a friend came over and brought up the question of whether God really provides or not, given the number of destitute people in the world. We talked for awhile, and after she left, a couple of verses came to mind that I saw in somewhat of a new light (or maybe just a better light).

In the "do not worry" passage, Jesus said of food and clothing "but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you as well..." And what really stood out in my mind was the "seek first His kingdom" part. He promised to provide, but it was also contigent on our focus. Not that God is up there manipulating us by withholding material needs, but I think Jesus was pointing out that the most important thing for us to spend our time thinking of and pursuing is Him. We worry about our physical needs, but He wants us to be consumed with following Him. I think He's saying that when our first goal is spiritual--to know and obey Him--then all that other stuff will be provided to us as a matter of course. It reminds me of the whole Mary-Martha scene where Martha is buzzing around and Jesus says that Mary, who is simply sitting at His feet listening to Him, has found the "one thing needful". Physical things matter a little, but when our hearts and minds are fixed on Jesus then we are the sort of people God is looking to inhabit, the people who are part of His kingdom. And in His kingdom, there is no lack of resources. "He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us, how will he not also freely give us all things?" ( Romans 8:32)

My bible study leader, John, made a very interesting point once that has stuck with me--we take it for granted that God will just provide all the time, but do we really trust Him? We can choose to live in His kingdom--a life of faith and dependence on Him--or we can choose, even as His children, to depend on ourselves. And when we have no faith in Him for daily needs, He may just let us go our way and fend for ourselves (interesting to note that the Lord's prayer includes the line "Give us this day our daily bread"--why would we have to ask if He was just going to provide anyway?). In His hometown, Jesus was prevented from doing miracles because of the lack of faith there. Hebrews tells us that "without faith it is impossible to please God, because whoever comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him" (Heb 11:7). If we don't depend on God really, then we may just be preventing Him from acting on our behalfs. Not because He can't, but because He has chosen to live and reveal Himself through those who put their trust in Him and not themselves or circumstances. Pretty much all of heb 11 testifies to that. Faith is knowing that God is real, that He is a person who we can interact with as really as with another human being. We can trust Him to meet our needs as really as we trusted our earthly parents when we were in grade school.

There were many times when I thought I had faith, but really just had good feelings and a vague idea of this God character somewhere out there. Real faith led me to take risks, to refuse to despair even when nothing in my circumstances was hopeful. One time, for example, we were way short on rent--two days before it was due I think we had less than $100 to our names, maybe as little as 25. I sat in our apartment trembling inside and on the brink of depression when the Spirit seemed to break into my thoughts and ask if I really trusted that God was able to provide. I said yes, but then He asked me what I would be doing that day if I had the rent money and all was well. Well, I'd go to the zoo to draw (a favorite pastime of mine). So He said to me that if I really believed that God would provide, then I ought to be acting as though I had the money already. No need to fear--when rent came due, I would have it. That led to a crisis moment--did I REALLY believe? I was so tempted to just close the shades and sit on the couch and cry and fret all day. But I decided to act on what I said I believed. So I refused to indulge the fears, picked up my sketchbook and went to the zoo. I had a great time drawing. When I got home, there was a check in the mail from a relative for $1,000. She had no idea we had any need--there was just a note that said "thought this might help you achieve your dreams." Faith moves God--faith that shows itself through action. I carry that story around with me and tell everyone cause I know that He will do the same for anyone who trusts Him. And what a small concern! Jesus said that with faith the size of the tiniest seed we could move a mountain. He wants us to be free from earthly worry and just pursue Him, to have the faith of a child who gives no thought to his earthly needs but plays freely and comes to the dinner table knowing there will be a meal.

The bottom line is "no one who puts their trust in Him will ever be put to shame." (Romans 10:10-11) Feelings are just feelings, but faith "is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." (Heb 11:1)

2006-04-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

hello blue eyes!

Welcome William Paul!

2006-04-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well the day I thought would never come finally came. Saturday the 25th at 11 pm, as Kurt was finishing up his writing assignment for a credential class, my body decided it was high time to have this baby. I did most of my labor at home without knowing it--I was told to wait till the contractions were 5 min apart consistently for an hour before going to the hospital, and the way it actually played out was that they went from 6-8 min apart to 3-4 min apart and never really consistently. But at 5 am I decided that averaging less than 5 min apart was probably pretty much like being 5 min apart and called the hospital. By the time we got under way at 6:15, I was consistently 3 min apart (and in a good deal of pain).

Well, they admitted me right away--I was already 7cm--and then I had to wait an hour for the epidural since I got there right at the shift change. ouch. But you know it was such an amazing experience--as I prayed I felt the Spirit's comfort and presence, and in His strength I was able to focus through each contraction to the point where I didn't even change my breathing at the peak. Knowing His presence and care gave me perfect peace inside, and I am so thankful I didn't have the epidural sooner cause I would've missed out on that opportunity to know Him more closely. He is real and so very near!

The delivery itself was tough. Little did any of us know that my "little" William was 9lbs 10oz and face up (a much harder delivery no matter what the baby's size). After two hours of fruitless pushing, I was moved to assisted delivery in the OR, with the whispers of a possible C section. Not what I had expected at all! And the funny thing is that I thought I had no expectations about the labor. I had tried hard not to have any. But as they were wheeling me down the hall I realized that I had failed in that endeavor. The OR was quite a bit less welcoming feeling than the cozy delivery suite I had been in, and when I saw Kurt in full operating garb I was a little unnerved. But still the Lord was there comforting me.

It took another half an hour of work, but with the help of the vacuum and some strong pulling on the doctors' parts, William Paul Klein entered the world at 2:27pm on Sunday March 26th. And his mom, completely spent but in good spirits, gasped when she saw how big he was. Then she didn't feel so bad or like such a weakling for not being able to get him out the old fashioned way.

Anyway, I love my little boy! So does Kurt. Its fun to be a family, and I have had a great time transitioning to motherhood. I just can't believe I get to be with him all day every day!

The Preggers on Matters of Faith

2006-03-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

And now for a much needed update...

Well, I am still unpopped and growing wider quicker. I had wanted to have had the baby by now, but this is a terribly busy month for Kurt between work and taking master's classes, so if I don't come until my due date (the 27th) then that would actually be best for him. I am due on the last day of his currently very stressful class, and I'm sure he would like to be able to focus on his little family and not be divided in his attentions by school. SO for his sake, I am willing for my body to continue to be sluggish about delivering.

Right now I am thinking most about faith, and how important it is to God, and feeling often the lack of it in myself. I think I have had more in the past, but its so easily undermined when I stay focused on myself. I think I am afraid to come to Him sometimes because in my heart I don't really believe that He will respond, that He won't speak and guide me. But He has done it so often so much in the past. Why would that change? It's me that changes. I know He hasn't left me. I'm disappointed when I look back on my days and realize that I was just walking in my own agenda and not listening humbly for Him. I would like for this temple to be a better more suitable place for the Holy Spirit to reside. How can He do His work of intercession for the saints and for the world if He has no completely yielded vessels through which to groan? And really the last thing I want is to be in His way. It is far too wonderful to see His will be done on earth as it is in heaven, to be aware of His interventions and participate in His yearnings for His children and the world to know Him.

I was reading Romans last night and was suddenly struck by how many times in the first couple of chapters alone that "faith" comes up. It really seems as though our faith is all important to God--that that is the issue our salvation really hinges on. And not a faith that is merely intellectual assent, but one that is so real and viable that it changes the way we act and look at the world; it changes our expectations from relying on the natural order to the spiritual reality of His life and power. "Trust God but lock your car" has no place in the Kingdom. The car is His and He does not ask us to follow human conventions for prevention of theft--in fact, He seems only to tell us to "joyfully accept the confiscation of our property" and "store up treasure where thieves do not steal, and moth & rust do not destroy". If we really are trusting in Him to meet our needs, then we will be unconcerned about theft of earthly treasures. (I hope you have heard that saying about trusting God but locking your car or I will sound like I am speaking of random examples haha). I still feel some apprehension in my heart and take safety precautions, insurance policies, and preventative measures. But at the same time I am beginning to see that the more real God is to me (the greater my faith) then the less fear I have. Not because I think God will keep my car from being stolen or keep me from physical harm all the time, but because I am utterly convinced of His goodness and the reality of spiritual life I have in Him, so that nothing on earth can be taken from me that matters. That is, nothing here compares with knowing Him intimately as Father, Friend, and Lord, and no one can take Him from me. So then what is left to hold on to? What can compare with the riches of knowing Him and being His? And aren't we probably better off without so much stuff anyhow?

Now I suppose as a means of testing me my car will be gone from its spot in the morning. ha.

But in any case, that is what is going on here. Only 11 more days till my due date. It finally is seeming close enough to touch, and I look forward to it. The pain will pass, and I am eager to meet this little man that the Lord is placing in our family. I'll blog again when he arrives and post a picture or two. Until then, God's grace and peace to all you out there, wherever you may be! You can be sure He is longing to shower you with His good gifts in Christ Jesus.

A moment to rejoice

2005-12-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

I received one of those forward emails today that had a "prayer" in it. I confess that I dislike those emails, because though they are well intentioned, they feel so selfish. They just say feel good stuff that neglects a lot of truth. I wrote the sender back thanking them for their well wishing, and offering my own prayer of blessing to them in return. And as I wrote, I was so filled with joy as I reflected on the Lord's amazing, overwhelming unimaginable goodness and mercy toward us! Who am I to receive such lavish gifts, to have His life? Who am I to dwell in His presence? I wish I took more time to meditate on Him. Here's a bit of my "joy moment" email. I hope you catch the joy bug this season too!

>>He dwells in glory and we have been brought near through Jesus' death. What an amazing gift, to be in the presence of the Living God! To experience His life! What a gift to be able now to approach His throne in confidence because of Christ's sacrifice! Even still, he does not need us, but calls us to Him and gives us the privilege of being a vessel of His life and power on earth. And then we will behold His glory. We ought to tremble before Him, and yet He also gives us the joy to dance in His presence! I feel like I can rejoice with David "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You! My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my life, and my portion forever."

"Could we with ink the oceans fill,
and were the skies of parchment made;
were every stalk on earth a quill,
and every man a scribe by trade,
to write the love
of God above
would drain the ocean dry,
nor could the scroll
contain the whole,
though stretched from sky to sky...

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Oh love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure,
the saints' and angels' song..."

I hope you all experience the wonder and excitement of knowing Jesus Christ this Christmas!<<

A Little Detour

2005-11-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my "big" ultrasound, which turned out to be a bigger deal than anticipated.

Everything seemed to have gone well. They had a warmer for the gel and we were able to ascertain the sex of the baby with some sense of accuracy. Everyone was happy...

...until the tech came back and said I needed to report to Labor & Delivery / Triage right away. They were expecting me. What??? Triage?? Isn't that what they set up at disaster sites to help the wounded? They said not to worry, it was just a precaution. But Kurt leaned over and whispered to me, "you know, on TV when they say that, it's always bad." And i laughed and agreed. I didn't really think anything was wrong and figured it wasn't a big deal.

Well, the nurse who met us was tight lipped about the nature of my visit. She told me what they had seen that resulted in my referral to them, but that meant basically nothing to me. She said that they had measured some part of me during my ultrasound and if they were right about that they saw...well, let's just wait and see if they were right. Then I was instructed to put on the hospital gown and lie down on one of the curtained-off beds. Hmmm. Sounds like a long visit. I could tell by the look on her face that if they were right about what they saw, the outcomes were all bad, and she wasn't about to list them (probably a very good idea). This is the part where I get a little scared.

They start asking me questions that are clearly meant to assess if I'm going into labor, and hook me up to a contractions monitor, blood pressure cuff and heart rate monitor. Then they leave Kurt & me for a long time. We talked and he kept me calm. But eventually we were just siting there, waiting for someone to come clue us in, and there didn't seem to be much to say. I stared at the ceiling and started praying. I had been so excited after the ultrasound--the baby felt more real to me than ever, and I actually started feeling attached. But all of a sudden it seemed that maybe he (yes HE!) would be taken from me. I realized that I could never possess him; that his life is completely in God's hands. And while I got no assurance at that point what was going to happen, I choked down the fear and aggressively sought the Lord, knowing His goodness was unshaken. I prayed that whatever happened would be for His glory, and that He would give me peace with whatever His decision was. I didn't feel ready to deal with a miscarriage, but I also trusted that if that was His plan, then He would carry me through it.

After the surrender, I felt Him present, and began to feel an assurance that there was nothing truly wrong; I only had to patiently ride out the evening until the doctors were satisfied.

Eventually they came to me and after a very uncomfortable procedure and another ultrasound with a stronger machine, the four doctors on the job agreed that it had been a false alarm and they discharged me. What a relief! Yet as unpleasant as it all was, I am glad to have gone through it. It brought me a little closer to the Lord, and drove home the reality that this child, this person in me, is really His. I figure the sooner I can learn that as a parent, the better off I'll be (and probably the better off my son will be too!). And on another positive note, the second ultrasound, being closer to the action, was able to pick up very clearly that my baby is a "he".

If any of the ladies would like more details on the nature of the incident, I'll be happy to email. But I left out a lot of detail so the menfolk wouldn't be scared off.
:)

2005-11-04T16:26:00.000-08:00

Only 5.5 inches and 12 oz to date. But he can kick!

2005-11-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

Here's the sonogram key: 1) belly, with spine in opposite arc along bottom; 2) baby's profile (left to right) : chin, lips, nose & forehead; 3) baby's hand, with back of his hand pressed against his forehead in a "woe is me" fashion

I survived--do I get a Tshirt?

2005-10-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Today I had my second pregancy checkup, finally, after they rescheduled me twice. But this second time they didn't give me my doctor, they gave me a different doctor. I didn't like it, but oh well, that's a big healthcare provider for you.

So I show up and sit down then see the most frightening sight of the morning: the name DAVID on the wall in between the "Dr." and "Meiman" I had been scheduled to meet. AAAHH. A male Gyno!! My heart began racing and my blood pressure shot up. Should I reschedule yet again?? But I've already done it twice and I should've had this appt already! So I began trying to coax myself to go along with it. It's alright, plenty of women have male gyno's. They even PREFER to have a man, right? So I can do this. *stomach turns*

In the end I decided to suck it up and not cry. But, thank you Lord, as I sat down on the butcher paper, the nurse told me that this exam would only be external and that the doctor would only be checking my tummy. *first genuine smile of the morning* And you're thinking, that's anticlimactic Jenn. And I'm thinking, yeah, well it wasn't you.

Then I got in an elevator someone had previously lost their breakfast in, and nearly lost mine. I was distracted for a moment by the blood drawing event on the second floor (I let them stab me again but actually the nurse was awesome and it was over lightning--I mean LIGHTNING--quick. I wrote her an official praise comment card so her super knew) and then passed by that wretched (no pun intended) elevator and proceeded to ward of nausea for the next hour. Yes, even out the building, in the car, at home in my room, far from the smell, it was trying to take me. It was really touch and go for a bit, but finally I won.

So, Kaiser 0, Jenn 2. Yea!

...Okay, I'll give Kaiser one for the rad nurse who drew my blood.

Even heroes have their moments

2005-10-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Across the street our neighborhood heroes, the Glendale firemen, are playing basketball. They are really into their game (as they often are at random times of day) and my life is often interrupted by their unusually loud echoing WOO! WOOO! AW YEAH! YEAH! *CLAPPING*

Rather than feeling annoyed, I've decided to act as though they are cheering me on. YEAH send that email AW YEAH put that spaghetti dish into the dishwasher YEAH clean that cat box!
It's great to have fans in the neighborhood.

I feel better already

2005-09-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

It was time for a change. I don't talk enough about fears to stay in line with my previous blog title, and decided that its really just refreshing to get what's on my mind out there. Maybe sometimes it's a welcome diversion for you all too.
:)
And for the record, this new title has nothing to do with, "when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Well, maybe it does, but it wasn't intentional. And no more annoymous comments, sorry. I got tired of deleting spam and frankly it's annoying not to know who's talking. But if you have any protests, I'm willing to hear arguments.

Jesus was all over her

2005-09-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up with a happy memory on my mind. When I was little I went to a private Christian elementary school, and once every week we went to the chapel where we'd sing and people would come (even AC Green came once) and talked to us about I don't remember what. Well, mostly I don't remember. There was one wonderful old woman who stands out in my memory and has left a lasting impression on me.

I wish I could remember her name, but all I can recall is that she was tall, had thin white hair, and wore a shiny green Chinese dress (though she herself wasn't Chinese). She had to have been in her 90's and couldn't walk well anymore, but in her day she had been a missionary to China, and she told wonderful stories about her work for the gospel on the other side of the world. The details are fuzzy, but one story always stayed with me. She said that in those days Bibles were huge and very expensive, and they couldn't give them away like they do now. So there was a little girl who came every week and walked many miles, rain or shine, to visit her and read her Bible. That always struck me. I didn't know what to do with my Bible, (and if it hadn't had some really pretty illustrations I might never have opened it) but this little girl valued reading one so much that she would walk a long way to read it for just a little while.

Even now I'm encouraged to remember that woman. If it's possible to sense God's presence with a person, I knew even then that she knew Jesus, and as it seemed to me, He was all over her. Though I don't remember many of her stories anymore, I remember the impression she left with me. She taught me that God is in China too, and that's a pretty big scope to impart to a little girl in pigtails. I'm very thankful for her stories, and I look forward to seeing her in heaven one day and telling her how she encouraged me. I wonder if she knew that coming to speak to some little kids every so often was a missionary work too...

At least I didn't eat it in my sleep

2005-09-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

I was falling asleep but couldn't ever quite get there cause my left arm kept itching. And then it itched some more about 3inches down from the first spot. And then it seemed to itch in a third place. Something in my bed it eating me!!

Now I have a trail of odd shaped little welts down my arm. Only one creature* could've done it. <<jibblies>>

The mysterious midnight snacker is still on the lam in my sheets. What will I do? I can't get back in bed. Even if I break out a flashlight and find it, I 'll probably just start crying. I dont want it to eat Kurt but it's everyone for themselves now. Hmm...maybe I'll become a midnight snacker. Mmmmm. canned yellow cling peaches in syrup...

*I just went googling for an appropriately fightening picture to link to, and my stomach turned and I almost started crying just shopping the first page of hits. Irrational? Oh yeah. If you want to see what nightmares are made of, just do an image search for "spider".

And if you want to see an amusing cartoon, click on the jibblies! I'm going to eat.

A little backpedal...

2005-09-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

I guess I don't really know if it is ever God's will for us to be sick, and I was a bit hasty to make such a bold statement. All I can really say is that He allows it for some reason. I was just so excited about this new thing that I was learning that I let myself draw conclusions hastily. Sorry. But I am still interested to get your feedback on anything else I shared.

Sick Christians

2005-09-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight at Bible study I managed to get us on the topic of illness among Christians, and what God really intends for us to suffer or not suffer in that area. Some people have told me that we should never be sick as believers, and that if we are it is due to sin or a lack of faith and/or understanding of what Christ gave us at the cross. While it seemed unlikely that we ought never be sick, Jesus' healings were contingent on faith, so I thought about that for awhile. Then I recalled some people who have prayed "in faith" for healing and it didn't happen. So assuming that they really did have faith, (and I would think it very insidious to assume that every failed healing is due to weak faith) then I have to conclude that sometimes it IS God's will for us to be ill. Hmmm. Certainly we learn through suffering, and God has never promised to spare us that. Quite the opposite, really. So, question answered, right? Well, I wasn't satisfied.

How can we just be the happenstance victims of viruses and diseases like everyone else? We have the same Spirit that Jesus had, and look what authority He walked in! He healed others, and while that may not be a gift the Spirit manifests in all of us (or any at this point in history), it doesn't seem like a stretch to think that He could heal us if asked. Perhaps it isn't always His will for us to be ill, but we never ask for healing. I for one didn't believe for a long time that He would heal me if I asked. I figured He let me get sick for a reason and I didn't question it. But then one day a year ago, my mother-in-law, a major prayer warrior, said to me "You know, I think there is a lot God wants to do but is waiting for us to pray and ask." And that really struck me. Something stirred in me then, the kind of stirring that comes when a light first comes on, when He is teaching me something key. So fast forward to this pondering, and I thought, why not ask?

I have had a cold/cough for a few weeks now. Pregnancy seems to have weakened my immune system and I can't shake this thing. I've tried resting, eating well, taking vitamins etc. And well it just seemed to linger. I accepted it. But then I became aware a few days ago of a friend who has been pretty ill with several things including migraines, nightmares and a sinus infection. Her meds didn't seem to be helping (and who can help a nightmare?). I felt burdened to pray for her healing. And as I began to pray, I somehow knew in my spirit that it was God's intention to heal her. But I needed to keep praying until the Spirit assured me that the work was done. So I prayed (in honesty wondering how I would know when it was done and if it really ever would be and maybe this was all in my head) but after not too long, I felt a peace and satisfaction in my heart that said the prayer had been answered. And when I say "felt" i do not mean an emotional feeling, but rather something in my spirit. Maybe some of you know what I mean. I hope you do. Well, sure enough, I talked to my friend the next day and her headache was gone and she felt better, she had had good sleep and no nightmares for once--even she was a bit surprised. And the night before she had taken her meds to help her head and to fall asleep, and she had not been able to keep them down. So we knew that it was truly the Lord and not just the medicine.

So today I began to think, hey, what about me? I could at least ask to be healed. So I went to the Lord in prayer and asked, and also felt assured that He would heal me. But I did not know when. My sinuses/cough did not immediately clear up at "amen", but I did feel the Spirit's prompting to start my day. It was a difficult decision, cause I still felt the sluggishness of the cold and thought at the same time that I ought to just succumb to it and rest. But the SPirit seemed to be urging me to walk in the knowledge of the promised healing--to walk in His strength. I have already had some experience with this kind of leaning on Him, in our trip to Alaska (I still need to blog about that--great stories! Maybe I'll just blog and get to pics when I can...). Anyway, I had already seen that He is able to give nearly miraculous strength to the weary, so this was only a matter of obedience not faith. I decided to get up and get going, and sure enough I felt Him supplying strength despite my body's protests. As the day went on , I began to walk more and more in strength, and felt that I was overcoming the illness in my spirit. Perhaps that seems odd, but what I realized is that they key is not to let yourself succumb to the illness, or to look to natural means of healing once He has said that HE will heal it*. That would be acting in doubt, not faith. Like I had suspected, the Spirit dwelling in me has all of the power and authority over natural phenomena as He did in Christ. So there is no need to doubt that He can heal when He says He will (one can only question whether one "hears" correctly, which is another can of worms. But in this case, I did know).

Now, I suspect that there are times when He will not answer requests for healing in the affirmative. We all die, and many solid believers die of illness. But I believe that even then the same power to walk in His joy and strength is available to those who will lean on Him. He works in us through the difficulties, holding us up "on eagles' wings". No doubt it is His purpose in illness that we experience the sufficiency of His supplies and goodness, and learn with Paul that "His power is made perfect in [our] weakness." We are not overcome by illness or any earthly power, but we overcome all weaknesses and tribulations in His grace, by His power at work within us. If we don't see that happening in our Christian lives, then perhaps the problem is that we don't realize the authority and freedom we have in Christ, by His Spirit. "In all things we are more than conquerers." And this is because there is nothing on this earth that can subdue Him, and He is in us. That is why the disciples ought not have feared when Christ slept in the boat as it was sinking--even should they all have drowned, the One with them could have brought them all back to life. They just did not realize Whom they were dealing with.

I used to think this was all too good to be true. But lately He has been showing me in no uncertain terms that there is a lot more available to us than we realize, and that we can walk confidently in His power as we give our lives over to Him. The more we surrender, the more His Spirit can work freely in & through us, and manifest His fruit. I can tell you without any hesitation that the more I let God have of my life, refusing to walk in fear or lean "on my own understanding", I experience a life I never imagined possible--I experience His life.

More on that when I get a couple of hours to blog about Alaska. I'll try to do it soon. I hope that those stories will encourage you like they do for me every time I look back. May you all find rest and joy in Him till then...

*disclaimer: I have no problem with doctors or medicine, and think that God will not step in to do a miracle/supernatural healing when there is medicine that will do it. But I am pregnant and can take almost nothing, and also knew that I had a virus that the doctors would simply prescribe bedrest for. I had already tried that, so I knew it was time to go to God.

What was I doing again?

2005-09-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

I just survived what might be the worst case of unidentified washerlint in the history of mankind. You know what I'm talking about--normally you're a responsible washerperson and check the contents of jeans, shirts and jacket pockets thoroughly for money or valuables before tossing them in. But on that one day when you're in a big hurry, or don't notice that the clothing has pockets, or figure you'll just tempt fate for the heck of it and throw things in blindly and close the lid, on that day when the cycle is complete and, satisfied that a chore is nearly done, you eagerly pull out your "clean" clothing only to find it freckled with some remaining shards of what was once a dollar bill, a tissue, or a coupon you meant to use at the store last week. This tenacious lint worms its way into every wrinkle and cranny and don't even imagine that the dryer will fluff it all away. Oh, no. The dryer won't be merciful to your foolishness. This mess is yours and yours alone. I pray it never happens to you in a load of flannel. Well I must've let the coupon, dollar, AND the tissue slide this time...or maybe there was a cardboard box in my shirt pocket. Each sock and shirt I removed had to be shaken out and picked clean meticulously, leaving a monumental mess on the floor. I actually had to vacuum out the inside of the washer when it was all said and done. Thank the good people at Hoover for those brilliant attachments...

In other news, I'm pregnant. (yea!). Nearly into the second trimester now, and while I have been free of the more common and unfortunate symptoms of carrying a new life, I have become a moron. I didn't see that listed anywhere in the "You might be pregnant if..." lists in the literature, but it has happened to me.
For example,
*I used to be able to drive a car. Now, without fail when parking, I hit the cement bumper thingies. Hard enough to jolt the car a bit.
*I can't remember normal things I used to be able to keep track of. While reading Jenny Smith's blog moments ago, I got so sidetracked that I managed to leave the groceries just sitting out until my once desirable Yoplait dropped to room temperature. I'm tempted to eat it still--is there a 30 minute rule with yogurt or anything?
*My mother called to invite me to tea tomorrow morning, and I could feel my brain trying to forget we had plans even before she hung up the phone. I had to write myself a post-it note and figure out a strategic place to put it so that I would actually show up tomorrow.

*sigh* I get my brain back after labor, right?

A few other catch-up tidbits:

Last weekend I went to Boston for my best friend Jessica's wedding. It is a beautiful city, and it was fun seeing the patriotic sights along the Freedom Trail, but I would definitely NEVER want to live there. I know that generalities are unPC, but on the whole I found the people there to be unfriendly and rather cold. Even the people in service jobs refused to crack a smile. And I'm not the only one who noticed. If it weren't so disheartening, it would have been funny.

I have also quit working for Toonacious and will be pursuing my writing and illustrating. More as that develops...

Kurt is teaching for his third year at Village, and likes it very much. He has added a period of Earth Science this year, which hopefully will be fun for him since it is more along the lines of his geology degree.

I have the Alaska pics but no scanner so that will be delayed a little longer, but I'll try to keep up with the daily thoughts. I have time to blog now so bug me if I take too long. You have my permission.
;)

I'm back!

2005-08-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Just spent 3 1/2 weeks in Alaska--lots of stories and pictures on the way! Stay tuned....

"Having a form of godliness but denying its power"...

2005-07-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

2 Timothy 3:5. I never understood that verse until I lived it. And considering it falls in the midst of a lengthy description of the godless people who will come in the last days, this is no easy thing to admit.

Now, being no biblical scholar or seminary graduate, my interpretation may not be perfect, but perhaps at least these observations of my own walk with Christ will be helpful nonetheless...

I never understood what godliness and power had to do with each other. They seemed to be unrelated concepts; godliness had to do with morality and I just didn't see how godly living increased one's power. In fact, moral people seemed often to be very weak or at least marginalized in a darwinian world. So how could one "deny its power"?

But then I began to seek out what it meant to "abide in Christ" (John 15:4-6), how one could live a life wholly yielded to the Spirit and the Savior's work, and what it would look like if they did. I discovered a life that is free, peaceful, and powerful. The Spirit in us asks for our willingness to be used by Him at any cost (sharing in the sufferings of Christ--see Romans 8:17) and once our lives are laid completely at His feet, we begin to experience His power, His love, His goodness flowing through us. This is how godliness and power are related--I have the will to submit to and obey the Spirit, and He in turn manifests His fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc--See Galatians CH5) and works powerfully on behalf of others through me. Without that abject submission, He remains within me, however He is not allowed to work since He will not override my will; if I have the will to do my own thing, then I am allowed to carry it out. He wants ALL of me, of my own accord. He can help me surrender by showing me what I gain in return, but He will not coerce.

So yes, I found and have lived that life of powerful godliness, though not without backsliding. And that brings me to today. For the last week I have been visiting my sister nearly every day since she just moved back in town. Every spare moment we have (which is quite a lot) we spend playing Final Fantasy XI on Play Station 2. This version connects to the internet and allows you to play with other real people, and is a very time consuming (addictive!) game. I have endeavored to learn to play since it would provide a common ground for us (who are very different people and sometimes can't relate), but my good intentions turned sour as I got sucked in. I found myself thinking of the game constantly and worst of all getting hooked on chatting with other players (flirty guy friends of my sister's) while playing. There was this exciting mystery about it--who are these people running around on my screen? And I suddenly found myself far more concerned with impressing them (a very hard thing to do considering I can't play and they have the highest ranks) than just about anything else. As if their approval means anything!

My mind & heart have been taken from prayer to this game, and I've found myself an empty shell. On the outside still going through the motions, thinking I am still walking with the Lord, but inside I given over to self. "...having a form of godliness but denying its power." I have no faith in this state--I can talk to God and feel good about Him, but have no will to step out and act on the things I believe; its too much work to fight through doubt and choose faith. And "... as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead."(Jas 2:26) I am the "double-minded man" described in Jas 1:6-8 -- blown and tossed like the sea because of the doubts alowed to linger.

I miss the long times of prayer and the constant assurance of the Spirit's presence and work. I miss living a life given to the Kingdom. I hate the emptiness. These doubts steal my life away.

So let this blog be my confession and first step of repentance. Perhaps I will be able to play again and do so in a godly way, but for now I'm going back to prayer and seeking Him so that I can put that game out of my mind.

It's time to surrender again.

Retraining an old habit

2005-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, our good friend Stephen Thrasher (comet smasher) was in town from Boston and came by for a visit. In the course of our very interesting conversation he mentioned that he had once memorized a few chapters of the Bible. To help him do it he wrote a program that would check what he typed from memory against the biblical text at Biblegateway.com. In this way he managed not only to memorize the words but even the correct punctuation as well.

Long ago I set out to memorize the book of James, but lost the habit along the way and never got past the first chapter. Well, Stephen sat down to the computer to see how much he could remember of his old memorization, and then challenged me to try and remember James. I didn't do all that well, but it sparked a little something in me, and I decided to go at it again. So, over the last couple of days I have rememorized James 1:1-12 (now in the NASB instead of the NIV as before), and I am finding it pretty easy and exciting too.

One of the great things about memorizing scripture is that you have to read and think about *every* word. A lot of times I'll read a passage and assume I know what it means, then never give it a deeper examination. But as I read more carefully, I see how much interpretation/meaning I have assumed and how much I really don't know or understand. Very exciting! Sometimes its like reading it all for the first time.

Of course, one of the tough things about this goal is that there seems to be so very many things all of a sudden that claim my time and thoughts. You might even call it opposition to my goal (I tend to think there is some after the nearly monumental effort it took to "find" the time and will to work on it today). But once the decision is made and the effort begun, it is so very rewarding.

Wanna try it? Stephen has so graciously permitted me to link to his program. Dive in here. Just select the book, chapter & verses, and version from the pull down menus then type away. When you click "check" it will display the correct text on top, with what you missed typed correctly in blue, then below it will display the text you typed with the errors & omissions in red. If you got it all correct, you will simply see the text with "Good Job" at the top of the page.
Happy memorizing!

Flippin' best scene on DVD right now...

2005-06-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

It's awesome It's...incredible
For those of you who haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, I highly recommend it (but be sure you're in the mood for something offbeat). Kurt and I have several times laughed to tears quoting it to each other. The above still is from my favorite scene, the biggest surprise in the movie. Maybe I need a second hand dance tape--this guy's got the moves!

If you want the skills too, try clicking here.

Busyness and Joy

2005-06-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

You would think that not having a job would lend me oodles of time to blog, but I think there is something in me that drives me to stay busy. And so, alas, I cannot claim any excuse that I do not blog except my own weakness. Busyness is not next to godliness, but I think I've picked up something of my American culture that goads me to behave as if it were.

But the other reason I haven't felt like blogging so much is that it feels like a very narcissitic endeavor. I don't like talking about myself so much. But if you all enjoy reading blogs, then maybe it isn't so bad as it feels.

I just spent way to much time looking at the Chronicles of Narnia teaser and behind the scenes stuff at http://adisney.go.com/disneypictures/narnia/index.html
This looks like it is going to be a really good film! And its not coming a moment too soon, either, cause I don't think I could've taken another December without a LOTR film to look forward to. Now Decembers are looking good again. I think this one is Arclight-Theaters-worthy; maybe they'll even play it in the Dome. Yea! I can't wait.

This morning I was reading Lewis' The Horse and His Boy. Its been awhile since I read through the Narnia books, and its fun to get into them again. There is something about this world he created that has a powerful draw on me, and I think I have finally determined what it is--Narnia is full of joy, a theme that was very powerful in Lewis' life. Reading about the adventures in Narnia makes me long for another, better place, a place that Lewis and all other believers are looking forward to. A place where we can walk with God, where everything is trully alive. There is a pervasive feeling of mystery in his books as well, as though you with the characters are longing for something wonderful that seems just beyond the horizon and somehow promised to you in the future. And I think that is how Lewis experienced joy, as a powerful urge for something more, that was there to be had one day in God's presence. Not the kind of urge that is strangling or oppressive, but a kind that is delightfully and powerfully compelling, one that gives strength even as it drives you on. It is perhaps most evident in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, though this tingling of joy I think is in every book of the series.

But now back to that busyness business...I have a George Foreman grill, greasy cookie sheet, two frying pans and a heap of plates, bowls, and forks to clean and thereby reclaim my kitchen as a workspace and not a dump. And I should vacuum and make the bed and I'm sure there are a ton of others things I could obsess over....but then, I hear a book calling my name as well...

And now for some sad news...

2005-04-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I lost my job today. Actually, I found out last night, but today I got it officially from the President of our very little company. I'm freeelance, so it's no big deal. The project would have ended eventually. But the client very suddenly pulled the plug yesterday, and left us all reeling. My first reaction, I am sorry to say, was along the lines of "oh no we just moved to a more expensive apartment", but a minute later I got back to my faith and remembered that :

#1 I prayed a good deal about making this move so I was sure when we made the decision that it was a good one. How did I know? Well, that's tough to explain, but I guess it boils down to all of my fears and questions being resolved, and more than that, an overall peace that only God can give to a Type A that this was a good opportunity

and#2 That we have been down to our last $20 before and we have never EVER lacked anything we needed. God is faithful my friends. He promised to care for His children and He does indeed. It would be sinful of me to worry. So I'm saying no to anxiety this time and waiting prayerfully for what is next. I'm sure it will be good, whatever it is!

#3 I can't help but notice that they could have pulled the plug at any time, but it didn't happen until just after we were settled into our new home (we turned in the old place's keys last Friday). I don't believe this timing was by accident.

SO, here I am. I have a cold, but I am at work, waiting for some work to do (I'm not officially done till a week from Friday) . In other news, I talked to my friend, who's an editor, yesterday--a contact I made at the conference--and she and I are working together to try and get me published within the next couple of years. I have a lot to learn about writing/illustrating picture books, but I have someone who believes in me and is mentoring me, so I am well equipped. I hope that it all works out, because I think it would be a lot of fun to be an author/illustrator. I really like doing it so far; it feels like a natural fit for my skills (still improving) and personality.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well. Kurt and I would appreciate your prayers about where I should go next. Whatever He wants is great to me!

His blessings to each of you!

While Lying on my Bed...

2005-03-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Things I thought about while lying sick in bed today:

Grapes are better cold.

It is difficult to tell if the wailing in the alley is from someone who is very very happy or suffering greatly. Maybe extreme elation and extreme agony are more akin than any but poets would like to acknowledge.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

I'm lazy.

I'm sick.

Am I sick? Maybe I'm just lazy. (tries to get up; head flops back on pillow).
I'm sick.

Being sick is a sweet deal. I get to read now!

(reading Christian teen romance called "Love Rules")

(finish book. Satisfied sigh)

Even the best love we experience here on earth is nowhere near as great and satisfying as the love we will know from God face to face.

We can know more of that love while on earth if we lay down our pride, anger, need for control, success, and fear.

Jenny Smith probably thinks I don't want to be her friend anymore cause I never blog before Thursdays.

I think I'll go blog before Thursday so Jenny will know that I love her and am thinking about her.

Is it Thursday in New Jersey yet?

Quick Catch Up

2005-02-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

So I hit the ground running this year, and it has been crazy. I am trying very hard to finish two books to take with me to the conference in March, and have found that the more I want to write, the less time I have. All I have, really, are my weekends. But it seems that this year my weekends have been a continuous string of wedding & baby showers, overdue visits with friends, phone calls, etc. And as much as I want these books to be great and to get published, I can't put them before people. I just feel that it can't be honoring to God to blow off people he loves. And that is partly why I am finally blogging.

Biggest news of the day: my car, after $900 of repairs, is leaking (still / again). UGH. When do you make the hard call to just get rid of a car? I own this one outright, and don't want a car payment. But is this repair REALLY going to fix it? Or will I be wishing $1000 down the road that I had just donated it to a charity to begin with? But this car has been mine since I was 16. Memories, man. How can you put a price tag on those? But I guess I have to...

Kurt and I are talking about moving. We don't need to move really, but our friends manage a great place and we could get a good rent rate on it. Its a tough call. It would cost a lot more to live there than what we're paying now, but its also a WAY better palce. So we're basically trying to decide do we stick it out in our little place with no amenities, and save to buy a real home, or do we move to the better place and save less? I'm thinking stick it out here, but it would be WAY cool to live just upstairs from our friends. Maybe it would be like I Love Lucy and we'd all get in capers together.

Last night Kurt and I hung out with our friends Dylan & Amy, who just recently got engaged. We've known them since they started dating several years ago, and it is always fun to hang out with them. On this occasion they convinced me to play poker with them, even though I REALLY don't like poker, or most more-than-two-player card games in general. I also don't enjoy being the only one present who doesn't know how to play a game and has to learn on the fly. So, of course, I was very frustrated at first, and made some dumb mistakes. At one point, for example, I was very proud of myself for having gotten a straight, and got to the last round of betting ony to find out that a Queen, King, Ace, two, three hand is NOT a straight. That would have been nice to know five hundred chips earlier. But ironically, as often happens when inexperienced players hit the table, the moron (me) cleaned up and won big time. I give full credit to my poker face: a constant (unintentional) expression of bewilderment and confusion that could either mean I have a royal straight flush and don't know it, or a 3 and a 7.

Don't mess with the ignorant.
;)

For His Glory?

2005-01-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

I am sitting down to write and illustrate my books this afternoon, and praying that God would be glorified by the work of my hands. But no sooner do I ask this, than I am struck with the thought that I have no idea what that means, or even if it is possible. The Word tells us to "do all to the glory of God", in the context of acting in accordance with our convictions (I Corinthians 10). But can He be glorified by my writing a simple children's story and drawing a picture to go with it? The stories come out of my faith, and do point to it in allegorial ways, but they do not bring the Gospel message explicitly. Even if they did, I would not be convinced that they were done "for His glory". I can write about God and not for God. Can what appears to be a morally neutral act somehow have eternal significance? Is it possible to write for God, to bring Him a gift? What could I possibly do to bring something to the All-Sufficient One?

In the movie Chariots of Fire, the great runner Eric Liddell, says, " I feel God's pleasure when I run." I have often thought of this quote, and wondered if God feels pleasure when I draw or write. I want to believe it is true, but don't know if there is any Scriptural (or other) basis for believing it. Any thoughts?

What Makes Work Worth It

2005-01-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

Well I'm finally back. Thanks for your patience.

Work has been very exciting. Not the work itself, but coming to work each day. A couple of weeks ago, I felt God move me to start praying for the people I work with. I just couldn't stop thinking about these people and longing for good for them (quite inexplicably, too, considering some of them were not people I had any natural affinity for). So I began praying for each individual that works there (about a dozen people). It started out in just general"blanket" prayers, but the change it made was noticeable. My boss (a believer) came up to me within two days and told me that he could feel that someone had been praying. One guy came up to me out of the blue the first day and started talking about faith and life. It was astounding. Since then I have had several interesting conversations with different people, often about spiritual or religious issues, and I have come to love them even though I hardly know them.

I look forward to coming in to work each day, despite how gruelling it has been lately, just because I have come to care so deeply for the people there. Prayer changed me. Those who used to annoy me or at least not matter to me have become important. And I wonder if that isn't the reason God has us pray at all. I don't believe he needs us to pray to do what He wants to do. Even Scripture clarifies that we pray in accordance with His will (not just for what we want). But I think He delights to include us in what He is doing, so that we might share in His heart and desire for His creation. And so that we might get over ourselves.

I needed to get over myself.

Christianity and the American Dream

2004-12-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

Jenny Smith and I had an interesting conversation yesterday about the American Dream and its possible influence on Christianity. I proposed that the two have merged, making for a lot of Christians confusing "God's plan for their lives" with the American ideals of financial success and independence, and achieving all of one's personal goals. I ask myself if this is what God really wants for His children. What did Christ mean by the "abundant life"--having a big house, successful job, a shiny SUV and/or worldly recognition? How much of what *I* want for my life or feel motivated to do is from God, and how much is simply ambition that is at least unrelated to God's plan, and, at worst, a "hindrance" to it?

I realize that I may be wrong about my observations, but I am reflecting at very least on my own motivations and desires. I have a secret subconscious idea that God will be happier with me if I achieve the aforementioned Dream. It is my opinion that this is an incorrect way of understanding God's will for me, given that it is selfish in nature, and I wish to get at the heart of what the kingdom of God should look like.

I am blogging this in response to a comment left by Jenny yesterday on my previous post. You should read it before the following paragraph, which is my response to her comment. I decided to blog about this because I am interested in getting others' ideas on the subject as well. Please feel free to speak your mind openly in any comments you should leave.

Jenny--I see where you are coming from, but I think that I disagree with your definition of the American Dream (and it is with the following perspective that I spoke yesterday). I think the American Dream is an essentially selfish ideal: I want to be all I can be, rise to the top, achieve all of my goals. It's not about (if we get really honest with ourselves) helping others achieve THEIR goals. Capitalism is based on self interest, after all. I think we see Christians being more benevolent in their version of the Dream, trying to help others succeed. But even still, I am trying to step back and ask myself what God wants for His children, starting from scratch. Forget what my culture tells me and seek His inspiration. I want no influence but what His Spirit reveals through the Word. I am admittedly a bit jaded, though, so I appreciate your pointing out that Christians are still generally interested in helping others achieve as well.

Am I way off here? Anyone have any thoughts?

All Dressed up and (eventually) Somewhere to Go

2004-12-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

Yes David, this weekend did go better, thank you. Though I am still weary and longing for a break. I got to spend some down time Saturday watching 13 Going on 30 (with laundry going, of course--have to multitask). I enjoyed being a smiling vegetable for a couple of hours. And that night I went with Kurt to hang out with our friends Brett and Jenny, and we all had a great time. We watched the Bourne Supremacy and ate fudgy brownies (the best kind!) I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

One very lame thing happened last week, though, that I have been meaning to blog about. Tuesday at work I stayed late with my boss and pinned up the storyboards for this big project we have going. It was fun, and I didn't mind working late at all. She told me that night that she would need my help during the meeting the next day, moving the boards around. Well, this meeting is with the big cheeses, so I had to dress up. I came to work all spiffy the next day, feelin' good. Ready to play Vanna White for the important folks. Then, right before the meeting, my boss tells me that she doesn't need my help afterall. I went back to my desk and just sat there for two hours. All dressed up and nowehere to go. I felt SO lame. Like everyone was looking at me thinking "haha Jenn thought she'd get to be in the big meeting!" I felt like a stood-up prom date.

Now, I'm sure this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for some reason it was to me. I'm not even "someone" enough to move bulletin boards around for the "someones". When the meeting let out, my boss came out and let me off early. It was nice, in a way. But I went home and slept for two hours, and woke up still feeling kind of down. Fortunately, right when I woke up, a friend called and invited me at the last minute to see a musical (Caroline, or Change) at the Ahmanson Theather downtown. She had season tickets with her Mom and her mom couldn't go. So, I put my nice outfit back on and went to a show. It was really nice, and I was so thankful that my nice-outfit day was redeemed.

Thanks, God.
:)

Weekend woes

2004-12-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

This has been a difficult weekend. Not all bad, and arguably even the bad things are good, but it has been draining.

Our church has been going through some transitions. For the last couple of months I have been on a committee that was commissioned to make some financial decisions for the future of the church, and it has been a very difficult task for a lot of reasons. For one, I didn't want to be on the committee in the first place, but the pastor wanted me on it and I bow easily to pressure of that kind. SO I have felt a lot of the time like a fish out of water in those meetings. But aside from that, I thought the meetings went well. However, recently we met with the pastor to give him our recommendations, and it didn't go well at all. There were a lot of misunderstandings about certain recommendations, and it led to a lot of frustration and heartache. We had a second meeting this past weekend to try and clear some things up. Some of the problem stems from him thinking that we went beyond what he had commissioned us to do. The committee all agreed that the Lord was calling us to grow as a church, and so we made recommendations to encourage growth. The pastor was a bit upset that we took such liberties with our commission. This was very hard for me, as I felt that we reported what we felt God was calling us to do. How can we keep silent about that? But maybe we should have made those suggestions as an "aside" and not an official recommendation. In any case, its been said. And some of the most important points were the ones he disagreed with most (and not just because they were beyond the parameters of our commmission). This is very hard for me to accept, because, as I said, we all felt that that was what God was calling us to. Furthermore a comment was made that implied that it was his job to hear from God about the direction of the church, not ours. I took it to mean that he felt we could not have heard from God on these matters because God wouldn't lead us in that way(OR that we're not spiritually in a place to sense the Spirit leading, which is an even worse assertion, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he only meant we weren'tbeing led, not that we couldn't be).

Anyway, the wonderful outcome of it all is that I, though hurt, still deeply love our pastor and our church, and I have seen God's hand of grace at work preserving our unity despite wounded feelings. He is much bigger than our hearts, and able to sustain His children and preserve His Body.

The other hard thing is that I have decided to step down from the children's ministry. This decision was made before the meetings went awry (thankfully, or my motives might have beebn questioned). I felt God calling me away, and though I am a little sad, I am also excited and filled with peace about it. The thing that is hard is that I know it must've been hard for the pastor to hear, and I wish this wasn't all happening at the same time. But God can take care of His own, and I know things will work out for the best. We've developed a new program for the kids that will hopefully get more people in the church involved. My heart all along was to start the ministry and then turn it over to people from the community--I went as a missionary of sorts. So now it is time to pass the baton.

Civic Duty

2004-12-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

Last week I was on call all week for Jury Duty, and although I thought it would be interesting to serve on a jury, I was not so excited about driving to the downtown courthouse everyday to do it. In fact, I was downright afraid to do it.

So, every night I was practically trembling with nervousness as I dialed in to discover my fate for the next day. I made it through the whole week free until Thursday night when I got the fateful message: Please report to the court on Friday at 7:30 am. The situation was further worsened by the fact that I would not be permitted to bring my knitting needles, as they would be considered a weapon. UGH. I was SO upset. I don't even like remembering it.

What a wuss.

ANYway I got directions to the courthouse via Mapquest. You will notice I did not link that word to the Mapquest website. This is because Mapquest is useless. It, as always, took me the wrong way. Fortunately, when it comes to going downtown, it is easy to see if you are going the wrong way. Am I headed TOWARD the tall buildings, or AWAY from them? Mapquest got me close to those tall buildings, then made me take a turn back toward home. So from that point on, I was mostly on my own. (I say "mostly" because toward the end of my thoughtful meanderings downtown looking for the courthouse, I stumbled back onto the Mapquested path and into the parking structure for the courthouse--after trying two others first, of course.) *sigh*

Fortunately, the service itself turned out to be extremely interesting. I am fascinated by the justice system, though I can see at least one big drawback (that many have observed): it's a big game. It is necessary to establish that one is innocent until proven guilty in order to protect individual freedom from big government, however this means that when a loophole arises whereby the prosecution is barred from submitting key evidence, the guilty man must go free. I think that this is preferable to the innocent being wrongfully imprisoned, but it is none the less a shortcoming of the system. I think it would be very hard for me to acquit someone who I knew was guilty. But then, I know that the true Judge knows, and "there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed." What a frightful thought.

I was a potential juror on one case, and enjoyed listening to the jury questioning process. I liked the judge a lot--she is clearly a wise, articulate, and respectable woman who also has a good sense of humor. There were a lot of people on the panel who did NOT want to be there. They made it very clear. It was simultaneously amusing and annoying to listen to their "excuses". Grownups can be so childish when they don't get their way. (This coming from the "grownup" who cried about having to drive downtown). The attorneys were very picky and we all had to come back on Monday to continue the selection process. Fortunately for me, they gave us free Metrolink tickets so I didn't have to drive--yea! Of course taking the train was a whole different adventure...

I did not want to be on this particular trial (it was for attempted murder), so come Monday I was very thankful to be called up and summarily excused only five minutes later. I think it could have something to do with the fact that there are three generations of cops in my family and a lawyer to boot. Or it could be that they didn't like my blue sweater. Who knows? I'm just glad to be back to life as usual. And I get to see Shane and Jessica tonight. yea!

Brief Update

2004-12-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry that some of the pics are a little blurry. But you get the idea. The casino night pic reminds me of this very familiar painting. I'm sure you can guess which one.

In other news...

I am in a knitting craze. Last night I wandered the yarn aisles of Michael's in a frenzy of delight--so many colors and options and ideas. I got one variegated skein for myself, and a couple of balls of light grey wool to do a scarf for my dear friend Carrie. However, I think its time for me to attempt the purl stitch. Thus far I have been a straight knit stitch kinda girl, but I thinkI'm ready for fresh challenges. Maybe I'll even try a cool pattern. Thanks to Jenny Smith for teaching me to knit!

Nothing to do at work for the moment...think I'll keep working on that scarf.

P.S. I ate the last three almonds. The theif is still on the lam...

2004-12-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

The turkey about to succumb to Kurt's fork...

2004-12-02T09:54:00.002-08:00

The turkey

2004-12-02T09:54:00.001-08:00

What a strange family

2004-12-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

Krista, Sammy, and I making chocolate turkeys

2004-12-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

Krista and I contributing to the feast...

2004-12-02T09:52:00.001-08:00

Mom and Me

2004-12-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Grandpa's coffee bar

2004-12-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

The family that gambles together...?

Almond Thieves and Sensitive Types

2004-11-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know what my deal is. I just never feel like blogging lately, and don't want to do it simply out of guilt. Things have been busy, to be sure, but it shouldn't be hard to find a few minutes to share a thought or two. I think I have this idea that if I can't be funny at all, I shouldn't post. Like no one will read my blog if I don't make them laugh. But I think less people will read it if there are never any new posts. ha

SO though I am tired and as yet coffeeless, I will attempt to update you all on life over the last couple weeks, in no particular order.

Someone ate my almonds. I had an at least half-way-full can and this morning there were 10 almonds left. Now, I know I ate a good portion of that can, however I also know for a fact that at least one person in this office will help theirself to a handful even if I am not there, and this is becoming a bit taxing on my generosity. Almonds are not cheap, people! I have three left now (I put 7 in my oatmeal this morning) . Bait for the thief! Will they be so audacious as to eat the last three? Bulletins as events warrant...

Yesterday was a very long day. I had to attend a meeting in the afternoon that didn't go very well. I cannot say much about it except that someone's feelings got hurt during the meeting, and it was very hard for me to deal with because they were reacting to what they THOUGHT someone was saying, and not what they were really saying. It was startling how strongly they reacted, and bewildering because the reaction was not at all based on what was really being said. The hurt person ended up leaving the meeting in the middle, and that pretty much stopped the meeting cold. A few of us remained afterward, discussing what happened. We all feel that it is unfortunate that this person so misunderstood, though there was nothing we could have done about it. What can be done when all communication fails? It was interesting to observe how a person's feelings and sensitivites can powerfully affect communication (and actually prevent it). I learned firsthand that it's so important to really listen and try to understand what someone is saying, despite how you feel about it. I am a little anxious to see what the ramifications of this event will be. I don't know what to say to this person when I see them again. I was one of the ones misunderstood (as far as I can tell) and though I don't have anything to apologize for, I feel like I want to do something to heal the relationship. For now, I am just praying that God helps them to see where they misunderstood and brings an opportunity for clarification.

After that I was really drained, and I think I am still feeling it today. I've been a little cranky this morning, and I don't want to be like this. I just feel so tired.

On the happier side of my weekend, I got to see my friend Carrie yesterday. Yea! And even better, she's moving back up here in December. YEA! We had a nice chat over a couple tasty Starbucks Mint Mochas.

Thanksgiving was great. I had a really nice relaxing day with my family, and my sister and I made the little chocolate turkeys I wrote about earlier. (I'll post some pictures tonight). After dinner we all had a little casino night at Grandpa's--he has a slot machine, craps, BlackJack, and roulette as well as a full coffee bar and soda fountain upstairs. So while we all laughed and made ridiculous bets (not of course for any money), Grandpa served us mochas and foamy hot cocoa. He also made some to-die-for candied yams that were the talk of the dinner table.

And on Saturday I did nearly all of my Christmas shopping. I got up nice and early, and was surprised to find that almost no one else did! The mall was empty and even the infamous Empire Center was nearly a ghost town. It was great. I had lunch at Baja Fresh with my aunt (though there was an unfortunate mix up about the times which left her sitting for half an hour waiting for me. oops) They have recently changed their menu and the did away with the heretofore favorite of mine, the mini Tostadita. Boo Baja Fresh! Then we walked to the mall to visit my uncle, a police officer, who was on duty there. The three of us walked around together and chatted though he was of course a little distracted.

Oh yeah and one last thing--went with the family Friday to see the Incredibles. I enjoyed it, and would like to see it again. The characters was great as was the animation (of course). I think I liked some of their other stories a little better--it might just be that I am not a huge super hero fan--but that is not to say that I didn't have a good time. The character who designed the super-suits was especially hilarious.

OK so I'm gonna get to work now. I'll post pics tonight...

Kurt's Show

2004-11-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

I took Friday off and drove with Kurt down to Phoenix for his cousin's wedding. It was nice to see the family again, however brief the stay. We came back Sat night so I could teach sunday school the next morning and Kurt could spend the day getting ready for his gallery. The bad news is that half of the photos didn't get back from the developer in time. boo! As a result, he only had 8 pictures to display. But we framed and matted them all, and they looked good. One of the best parts of the show is that our whole Bible study group surprised us and showed up to support Kurt. That was so great! I know it meant a lot to Kurt. Two of our friends are buying prints and the pastor's wife is also buying a couple. Kurt was all smiles. Yea!

The Cost of Printing

2004-11-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

Kurt got prints back for his gallery yesterday, and they look pretty good. Sometimes its hard to know how a little slide will look blown up and printed, but we're mostly happy with the results. Another bonus is that they were cheaper than estimated, so if he can sell just a couple then we should recover a lot of the costs to print and mount/frame them. I really hope that this goes well!

One thing that is not going as well as hoped is that it looks like getting my book printed will be very cost prohibitive. I have been so excited and looking forward to having some copies made, but now I see why people try to get their stuff published. I need someone big backing my work or apart from becoming independently wealthy not many people will get to see it.
:(
I heard a little lead yesterday, though, that there is a Christian publisher that is looking to start a children's branch. There's a chance that they'll be eager for books, so maybe I can get my foot in the door. Isn't this nuts? What am I saying? Could I really get published? I guess I'll never know till I try. But I have such a thin skin, and I've heard its remarkably difficult to get published. You have to go through a lot of rejection first. Maybe this experience will be good for me.

"Calvin, go do something miserable you hate. It builds character."

What's that Bit About "Actions"?

2004-11-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

I just got back from lunch at Subway, and spent most of the hour reading I Corinthians. It was great--despite all the noise and busyness around, I really had a great study time. Until the end, that is. As I was contemplating getting up to go, an old man who seemed to be homeless walked by the window where I was sitting, and made a kind of thumbs up gesture to me. Mistaking it for a kind of greeting, I smiled and waved to him. Then he walked into the subway, but walked past me to the counter. I thought maybe he was looking for handouts, but wasn't sure. Though the thought made me uncomfortable, I decided to give him the other half of my sandwich if he asked for something. He turned away from the counter and started coming back my way. I was nearly overcome with awkwardness and a kind of nervous anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to even look at him until he got closer, but then he walked passed me. As he was exiting, he looked back and gave me the thumbs up again. Then he stood outside the window expectantly and kept making strange gestures at me. I was so unnerved I looked around to the other tables as if for help. "What does he want?" I asked. But no one knew...one guy jokingly suggested that the thumbs up meant he thought I was cute. Then, right before he gave up and walked on, he made a kind of hand to mouth eating gesture, and I remembered--the other half of my sandwich. How could I have forgotten so quickly? But still overcome with emotion, I did nothing.

After the nervousness died down, I was disappointed. Why couldn't I just see people as Jesus does--consider their needs above my own discomfort? Why should some silly emotion stop me from doing the good I ought and even intend? I want to be able to lay down how I feel and just let God do what He wishes through me--to be Jesus' hands. But that will never be the case unless I "die to myself daily". Lord, help me to let go of what I want in favor of what You want...

A Week in Review

2004-11-04T22:39:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited about life right now. Partly due to the fact that the coffee this morning was so strong it ate like a meal and I'll probably be buzzing till the next cup tomorrow, but also because I am doing something I truly love--writing.

I have undertaken to write and illustrate my first children's book, and I am enjoying the work VERY much. I feel like the more I write, the more I want to. I enjoy the challenge of communicating ideas in simple, clear language (it's harder than one might think--as Mark Twain said "If I'd had more time, I'd have written a shorter letter") and I can't wait till I am satisfied with the story and begin to illustrate. Although I am not sure if I'm any good or if it will ever get published, I am invigorated by the process none the less. Could this be what I was born to do? Perhaps it is one of the things, though I am sure there are cosmically more significant "callings". But then, isn't anything done as unto the Lord of eternal worth? I just hope it blesses people--whether published or read only by friends and family. So I guess that is why I have neglected to blog. Every spare moment I've had I've been either catching up on lost sleep or writing. Sorry :(

Work has been a beast up till today. I worked till 11pm Monday night trying to make a deadline (I did succeed). Today the deadline for everyone involved was up and it was a very laid back day. My bosses were gone half the day in meetings with the client, and I had nothing to do, so I worked on my book. It was great. And tomorrow looks to be pretty easy. I'll have work again, but it shouldn't be as insane as the beginning of the week was.

I've also been helping Kurt prepare his first photography exhibition. I'm really excited for him! He has some really fantastic photos, and it will be great to finally show them to people other than our family and close friends (those we can convince to watch a slide show purely out of familial love. Incidentally, why is there such a stigma on slide shows? People shudder at the mention of the word and suddenly have "some place to be" or its suddenly "getting late".) Anyway, its in about a week and we have a lot of slides to get printed and then prints to matte and frame. I can't wait to be there and overhear any good comments I can relay back to Kurt. I really hope that this experience is encouraging to him.

In other news, my allergies have been acting up a great deal, and I might be acquiring a Sharper Image ionic air purifier. I am SO excited. Nearly every morning I wake up with an itchy runny nose that won't quit till I leave home. I know it is partly my cat, but I wont part with her. I'm very hopeful that this purifier will help us to coexist more comfortably. I've heard great things about it, andI think I am beginning to pin my hopes for a happy healthy future on getting one. Its almost ridiculous how excited I am to get this thing. I might have to be committed if it turns out to be a disappointment. Im almost serious.
:)

What a Difference a Kurt Makes

2004-10-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

I wonder how long it takes to get added to Jenny's "Strong Silent Types" list...

Sorry for not writing sooner. It hasn't been for lack of things to write, but more for lack of time. Work has been a whirlwind, and I am SO tired. Even though, thankfully, today has been slow, I am already ready to be done and it's only lunch time. *sigh* All in all, I still like it here, though. It always comes back to the people. I think coworkers make a huge difference in the "bearability factor" at work, and I really enjoy the people I work with/for.

It also helps to have someone wonderful to come home to. Yesterday was a particulalrly (I can't say that word or spell it) long and frustrating day due to technical difficulties with the computers and connected hardware. By 6, I was just looking forward to getting home when Kurt called and reminded me that I needed to go to Costco and get a new car battery for the Camry. How I managed to forget that his car had died and that I had been driving him around the last 24 hours, I don't know. But I was utterly disheartened to realize that I now had to find parking at Costco, walk through the considerable parkinglot to the warehouse through wind and rain (with no umbrella), and then FIND the right size/model battery somewhere inside. It took me 40 minutes and about 5 separate looks at the "handy" battery guide to determine that they did not have the one I needed. I was about to give up, but called Dad and found out to my joyful wonderment that having 550 cold cranking amps is actually BETTER than 350, and that no, putting a 550 c.c.a. battery in an engine listed as needing a 350 c.c.a. was not the same thing as putting a 100 watt bulb in a 60 watt fixture. So they actually DID have the one I needed AND its was good battery. I lugged (and alternately kicked) that ridiculously heavy object to the checkout line, and with some friendly costco brand help, managed to pay for it and get it to my car. By the time I got home, I was BEAT. But when I walked inside, there was a handsome face smiling at me. "Is it cold out there?" he asks with a smile. And hands me a cup of cocoa. And there behind him, dinner is on the stove, almost done.

Yesterday was a pretty good day...

25 Candles in a Piece of Humble Pie

2004-10-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

I had to eat a big slice of humble pie last night.

For the last week, I've been teasing Kurt about forgetting my birthday, and telling people that of course he hasn't gotten me a gift yet. He never said a thing, just smiled.

Well, last night when I crawled into bed (after midnight), there was something under my pillow. It was one of those envelopes that you put your film in when you drop it off at the developer (my husband has a very creative wrapping style), and inside was a DVD of the Lion King, special edition. For those of you who don't know, The Lion King was the film that really moved me to become an animator. He said that he just couldn't wait to give it to me, and hoped that since it was past midnight (and technically my birthday), it wasn't too early.

In light of how I have recently been reconsidering my career and what I *really* want, I can't help but notice what a timely gift this is. Kurt has a way of always giving me just what I need when I need it, and I am *sure* that he is God's hands in my life on more occasions than he realizes.

He's a good man, and I'm thankful for him.

I think I'll lay off the teasing.

25 and Finally Boggling Again

2004-10-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

This week is my birthday week, and I am turning 25. It is the first birthday I can recall where I can truly say, "yes, I feel older." Why 25? My guess is that #1 I am a quarter of a century old, and #2 there are no more exciting milestones till that Senior Discount at Denny's. Yes, I have finally arrived--a fully privileged adult. I am now able to ride alongside a permit-only driver according to the CA driving code. Isn't life grand?

In other news, this weekend was good, which I needed. Work can be pretty monotonous, and its disheartening to spend my days doing completely un-art related things. Sometimes I need a good reminder that life is more than my "career".

The fun stuff: Last night I celebrated my 25th year with my family. I always enjoy our gatherings. It was especially fun playing Boggle with my mom and aunt after dinner, primarily because I gave them such a sore beating. But seriously, it was fun to play because we haven't done it in a long time. Only once since grandma died, and that was a somber game. The ladies of the family always used to play Scrabble after dinner. None of us were very good at it, and most of the time it would end with my mother declaring "it's a stupid game" (which is what she jokingly says about any game she finds difficult), but it was great just to be together. After grandma passed away, the routine seemed to hurt more than it was worth, and we just stopped. It's been two years now, and it is good to finally heal.

And to win. Bigtime.

On Friday night I spent time with my friends at our biweekly Bible study. We had some good bonding time, and have decided to pray for each other continually. This invloves a groups of two people meeting each day to pray for everyone until we meet again as a group. (We each sign up for four dates to cover.) Saturday was my first volunteer day, and I can't tell you how little I wanted to go. I was tired and cranky and frustrated and dang it the last thing I wanted was to go PRAY for an hour for other people. Yes, I was that selfish. But I made myself meet with my prayer partner anyway, cause a commitment is a commitment, and a commitment to pray seems like the worst kind to break. My friend was feeling the same way when I got to her house, and it ocurred to us that perhaps we were encountering spiritual opposition to our plan. That gave us firm resolve to follow through. I look forward to seeing what God does in our group. My mother-in-law told me that she is convinced that there is a great deal that God wants to do, but is waiting for us to ask. I believe that's true. I'll let you know how it goes...

A Backlog Blog: August in Alaska

2004-10-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

So here's my life in August 2004--adventuring in the wilds of Arctic Alaska on the Noatak River. Kurt and I paddled (alone) 360 miles of river over 18 days and saw some amazing country. As you can imagine, we have some tales to tell! (many pages' worth, actually). I hope you enjoy!

August 2

We got up at 5:45am (in Fairbanks) to pack and catch our 8am flight to Bettles. I felt so nervous about starting our trip that I was sick. Still, I managed to enjoy my first flight on a 10 passenger Cessna plane. We flew over the Trans-Alaska pipeline and the Yukon river which cut across rolling green hills dotted with bushes or small trees. I got through the nausea by sleeping on Kurt’s shoulder.

Jenn getting gear ready to fly out of Bettles

We finally flew out of Bettles at 6pm on a little 4-passenger float plane. That was awesome! We flew over the breathtaking Arrigetch peaks, watching glaciers, winding silver rivers, and rolling green hills pass below. The pilot dropped us off at an unnamed lake in the Pingo Lakes region, just about a 1/3 mile from the Noatak River. As I watched the plane disappear into the horizon, I strangely wasn’t nervous anymore, just feeling adventurous and ready to start.

The Arrigetch Peaks

It took an hour or more to inflate the raft and pack our gear in it (FYI: the raft’s 16ft long, shaped like a canoe, and called a SOAR). Crossing the lake was very difficult—it was our first time paddling together. There was a lot of wind pushing us around, and we both got pretty annoyed.

Once we finally made it to the other side, we had to portage (carry) our raft and all of our gear in several trips to the river through willow brush and over marshy tundra. We were really nervous about running into a moose or a bear, both of which can be dangerous if startled. We ended up deflating the raft again and unpacking all the gear (ugh). We tried many different methods (mostly unsuccessful) of lugging that awkward, 70lb wad of rubber to the riverside through the brush. Sometimes it felt like the ordeal would never be over and all I wanted was to crawl into my sleeping bag. We decided to make camp on a muddy gravel bar by the river, and had to cross a small stream to get there. I stepped in and sank to my ankle in mud.

We finally got to eat dinner at about 11pm (it was still light out). Eating was frustrating due to the plethora of mosquitoes. Kurt said it was nowhere near as bad as his first trip up there several years ago, but it was the most I had ever encountered at once and made for a gross and frustrating meal. They kept flying into my face and food while I was trying to eat. And I was so tired.

But eventually I found myself snug in my sleeping bad and sleeping soundly. I think that first day broke me of any laziness I’d acquired in So Cal.

Starting our first full day on the river

August 5

What a view! When I look around our campsite tonight, all I can think is “My God, how great Thou art!” This is the type of place to inspire awe and music. If only everyone could see it! So breathtaking…no photo will do it justice (especially not mine).

A magnificent midnight view

Saw a fox today that was changing from red to its winter-white coat. Beautiful! Also, right as I was about to get in bed, Kurt called me out of the tent in time to watch a small herd of caribou cross the river maybe a hundred yards from our campsite. They are beautiful! And there were a couple babies with them. When they got to the other side, they stopped and shook off just like dogs do. We watched them run up the hill and out of sight.

August 6

Saw lots more caribou today, and rapids, too. We entered a canyon and paddled several miles of standing waves, choppy water, and boulder dodging. We knew that a class II (intermediate difficulty) ledge and a hole “The Jaws” were in there somewhere, but since the water level is so low, we figured that the ledge would be exposed above the water (like several other obstacles we had previously been warned about) and not be an issue. At one point, we passed a large wall of stacked boulders and laughed, assuming that that was the “ledge”. We paddled on, casually taking in the view, until Kurt spotted something suspicious on the water. As we got closer, he recognized the telltale warning signs of a ledge—a smooth line on the water followed by waves and whitewater—and he began shouting at me to steer us straight. (A ledge can be paddled over by crossing straight over it, parallel to the current & perpendicular to the edge. We were approaching the ledge at a 45 degree angle to the ledge and current.) At first I didn’t see it and wasn’t sure what he was freaking out about, but responding to his urgency I paddled hard to pull the stern in line with the bow. Then I saw it, and my heart dropped into my stomach. I threw my paddle out and began pulling as hard as I could against the current. I didn’t know I had the strength in me—if I’d missed even one stroke I think we would’ve been in trouble, but by God’s grace I got us straight at the last moment and over we went, down into the rushing water then up over the rolling waves at the bottom. We made it! Kurt looked back at me and laughed, seeing my face in complete panic. We laughed nervously and excitedly together, realizing that we had just done the Ledge. Definite highpoint of the trip!

The Rapid Cam!

Little funny moment: as we pulled away from the ledge, I wanted a picture to show you all, so I grabbed the “rapid cam” (small waterproof disposable camera) I had tied to the raft next to me, and turned back toward the rapids. I had to pull and tug against the short rubber leash it was on to turn far enough, but determined to get the shot I would not be dissuaded by any difficulty. Well, I ended up pulling so hard that I strained my bicep—to the point that my right arm cramped then went nearly limp. I couldn’t paddle. Kurt had to get us ashore almost single handedly. The irony is not lost on me—I was fine over the ledge but injured myself trying to take a picture of it. And the clincher: for some reason the picture didn’t come out at all.

Fireweed

The Jaws was still coming up, and we pulled over to rest (and let my arm recover). Walked up onto some gorgeous tundra. As I rested, I prayed and became strongly aware of God’s presence. He was surely guiding and protecting us. I think that it was indeed God’s grace that helped us through the ledge—I am fairly certain that it was not my natural strength that saved us at the last moment. I have some inkling that I was given a boost from above, because I've never felt such power in my arms before. He seemed to be speaking to my heart at those moments, assuring me that though the trip is full of dangers, He has ordained it not for our destruction or harm, but for our pleasure and growth. He was indeed protecting us at every turn, and I had nothing to fear.

I stopped worrying about whether we were in over our heads. Somehow I always knew that we would be fine. Not that it’s always easy, but it’s the kind of difficult task that feels good all through the push—its rewarding. There’s no fear anymore, just joy in laboring toward a goal. He is here. He is with us.

The Jaws turned out to be less risky due to the low water. Found a fantastic campsite—high above the water (river can rise at night and steal your boat and even your tent with you in it if you’re not careful) and with clear water for drinking.

I had to say it was a good day!

August 9

Playing gin in the tent

Spent most of yesterday in the tent, waiting out the weather.
The wind was so strong last night that it blew the raft (all 70lbs of it!) into the tent. That was startling! Had a hard time sleeping with the huge gusts threatening to rip out the stakes and blow us away. The worst part is that the boat bent two of the tent poles. I knew I shouldn’t have pulled the boat up so close to the tent! Kurt was very forgiving about it.

We made breakfast and packed the boat in the wind and the rain. Not really bleak out but the weather was frustrating. Started on the water with a bad attitude and feeling discouraged. I felt angry at God for setting the wind against us. It seemed so harsh! But He reminded me of Job and Jesus’ sufferings. I realized that a lot of things worth doing are hard. I determined to make it to Noatak Village if I had to earn every mile by the sweat of my brow set against the wind.
Things improved shortly after that. The sky was glorious today—big swirling puffy clouds. Saw two rainbows. The tundra is vibrant green in the sunlight, and it is beginning to turn gold and red for Fall in patches. Tundra is really beautiful. Each tussock has a variety of plants that grow together almost like a bouquet. It’s also springy and nice to walk on.

A tundra mushroom crowned with moss.

August 10

Today we woke up to warm, bright sunlight. It was interesting how suddenly chilly it became when a cloud covered the sun. Somehow, it was also suddenly less hopeful when the sunlight faded. The sun’s warmth and light seemed to me like the tender presence of the Lord as He looked down on us. When a cloud came between us, I felt as though He was hiding His face—though not gone—asking me to trust and believe that He was still present and guiding despite how I felt. He felt especially near during the last leg of our day’s journey. We went a long way today, and I was weary and sore after dinner. Yet I felt Him there encouraging me to keep on. And He is here now.

Don't we look like we know what we're doing?

We saw a bear finally—on the shore. When he saw us floating by, he walked to the shore, plopped down on his backside and cocked his head to one side. He seemed as curious about us as we were about him. His gesture was almost comical. After we were nearly out of sight, he darted into the bushes as if spooked. We decided to go a few miles further before making camp…

August 12

It has been a difficult day. It started raining right off, and we had to eat breakfast and pack up cold and wet. Not too windy at first. Kurt and I decided to switch places (put me in the bow and him in the stern) to see if it would lessen the fishtailing we were experiencing in the wind. It took him awhile to figure out the steering techniques and for me to stop trying to use them in the front (habit, you know).

Powered by the J-Wynn

We went through the next set of rapids with him at the stern. The first one went well, but the second went badly due to poor judgment on my part. I told him to take us down the center of the channel, which turned out to be fraught with underwater boulders. I saw them just as it was too late, half hoping we’d somehow glide over them. We ran up onto the first one and the water began pushing hard against the upstream side of the raft, trying to turn us over. We leaned into it and were able to stay upright, but as we looked around the seriousness of our situation became apparent. There were boulders all around us, only feet apart with no clear way to navigate between them—if we could even get unstuck from the one we were currently “beached” on. We pushed hard with our paddles in several directions, but couldn’t budge the raft an inch in any direction. We stayed there for awhile staring at each other in bewilderment as water rushed past us. What now? I began to pray, not really imagining how He could get us out of this-- short of angels picking up our raft and carrying it to safety. Finally, Kurt got an idea.

The water was not deep there, only fast, so he got out of the raft to lighten us, and then pushed the raft free of the boulder. He almost couldn't get back in. I pushed my paddle into another boulder to try and keep the raft from moving and urged him to get back in if he could . He made it and I pushed off the boulder in a last attempt to avoid high siding on it, and to my complete surprise we floated past it and around some other boulders out into safety. Unquestionably an answer to prayer.

Kurt was soaked and it began to rain shortly after. We pulled ashore to rest and recover, and I was devastated. Aside from being very rattled, I realized that I had let him down. He was completely soaked from the waist down, with nothing dry to change into, and now it was raining. His nerves were a bit frayed as well, yet he was very gracious to me. He made it clear that my failure did not affect his love for me even one iota.

I had a harder time forgiving myself. But once again God began to speak to my heart and teach me. I could not love myself because I had failed. Yet God loves failures. How can I despise myself if He doesn’t? Our failures don’t determine our worth, God’s love for us does. And what really matters is not always succeeding, but always loving in every situation. The real test had not been my ability to read the rapids, but my reaction to what happened. And in my anger at myself, I had not shown love to Kurt. That was the real failure—and yet, His grace covered me all the more.

The paddler's kitchen

August 13 - 14

Passed through a marvelous canyon this evening! Misty mountains surrounded us and an awesome sunset made us pause to shoot a roll of film. Had a difficult time finding a place to camp after that. Kurt and I were both very nervous—we paddled till almost 1am looking for anywhere suitable to stop. The amount of rain we’d been having caused the river to rise and there were no gravel bars to pull up on to, only cut slopes and half submerged bushes along the shoreline. We needed to camp high, because we knew the water would rise even more as we slept.

It became dark enough that we had to squint to see what was ahead. The Lord kept reassuring my heart that there was a place to camp and that He would get us there. He seemed to say. “I’ve brought you through rapids and storms, and each night you’ve had food and a place to camp. Would I abandon you now?” We eventually found one tiny gravel bar and stopped. We carried all our gear up onto the tundra (maybe 8-10 feet above the water level) and set up the tent between some bushes. We tied the raft up and finally got some sleep.

The next morning I got up early to check on the raft and was startled to see the water only a few feet below the edge of the tundra! The water had risen dramatically, and the raft was now floating, tugging at the ropes because of the strong current. Debris was also collecting behind it. Kurt got up and hauled the raft onto the tundra next to us (no easy task—I was impressed), and we spent the rest of the day watching the water continue to rise. If the water swept over the tundra, where could we go? But again, God cared for us. As we prayed and watched, the water level stopped rising. We were able to relax and enjoy the remains of the day, and sleep there one more night.

The next day there was still no gravel bar, so packing the raft was tricky. We pushed it down a slope into the moving water, and quickly tied the ends off. I stood in the raft and loaded it as Kurt handed gear down the hillside to me. I enjoyed the problem-solving process of that logistical challenge, and it felt good to be on the river again.

The river is waiting...

It was difficult to find campsites the following days as well, but we managed. We finally came back into tree country, and tall spruce and birch surrounded us. The river grew wider and wider till it felt like we were on a lake. The water rolled in silver billows and sometimes it was hard to know which channel to follow. The remainder of the trip was not without mishaps, but it was good. We took a final rest day just before we made it to Noatak Village.

Kurt unloading at our final campsite

Jenn writing postcards

We got out 5 days early, due to the quick current toward the end. We pulled a couple of 40 mile days. The natives at Noatak were very friendly and one even invited us into his home for coffee and cheese and sausage—after two and a half weeks of dried pasta and rice you can imagine how good that food and coffee tasted. He told us about life in the arctic and about the preservation of Eskimo culture. We flew to Kotzebue the next day, and there camped on the beach. We also met a wonderful woman there who took us blueberry picking and invited us to stay with her should we need lodging another night. I wish we had been able to stay.

We made it!

Kotzebue. Closest I've ever been to Russia!

The remainder of our trip we spent between Billie’s Hostel back in Fairbanks, and the bush cabin of this neat German man, Ralf, that we met there. He is a wilderness guide who lives way out in the bush with his girlfriend. We stayed with them four nights and got to help a little with the building of his log cabin (which will be a bed and breakfast next year), as well as learn a bit of canoe and fishing technique. We had a great time! It was a 3hr hike there (and then out again--uphill!), and worth every step. We hope to get back one day for the outdoor survival school he’s starting up.

Going fishing on the Chatanika River

Catch of the day! Grayling and Pike (look out they bite!)

So that’s it in a (rather large) nutshell. I had to cut even this highlights blog down a bunch—you’re getting the highlights of the highlights. But I hope you got a little idea of what the trip was like. It was a life-changing experience and we hope to get back up there someday.

Ethical Blogging?

2004-10-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

It has been said to me that it wasn't right for me to talk about the individual in the previous post who irritated me, so the post has been removed until further discussion solves the issue. I like to think that I can write in this journal about the days' events and how they affect me, but I don't know what is appropriate to include and what should not be spoken about. Feel free to comment on this matter.

If someone offends, frustrates, or hurts you, is it OK to post about the incident without mentioning names or becoming slanderous, or should matters involving other people be kept private?

Insert Correct Title Here

2004-10-05T13:10:00.002-07:00

So I am now sporting a large, restrictive bandage on my thumb due to an unfortunate incident with a knife and an apple on Friday night. The size of the bandage makes the injury seem far more severe than it actually is. I probably could have gotten a couple stitches given the depth of the cut, but my friend (a nurse) said that as long as I am nice to it, it should heal fine without them. Now, I do trust my friend's judgment, but out of my paranoia I have taped my thumb to the point that it can barely move. It looks rather dramatic, and I get a lot of concerned inquiries. Generally, I say, "Oh its nothing" (since telling people that it squirt blood onto the wall seems to cause them some discomfort), however I have been told that the correct response to these inquiries is , "You should see the other guy." In any case, the bandage has resulted in a lot of (not unwanted) attention for me.

It's interesting how important thumbs are. You appreciate this when you effectively have only one. They are indeed what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom (well, that and having a soul. But thumbs are still cosmically significant, I think). You will be happy to know, however, that despite my temporary cosmic loss I can successfully tie my shoes.

In other news...

Yesterday I went for the first time to a new doctor on my (also new) Kaiser Permanente insurance policy. It was my first foray into the HMO world, I didn't know what to expect. Half of the people I've told about my new insurance responded with pity (most of them were nurses who actually seemed disgusted at the mention of the name). The other half seem to think its great--provided you don't mind being a "number".

I found the nurses to be helpful and polite, and my doctor is great. They have a very orderly system worked out--the doctors, labs, and pharmacy are all in the same building, and there seems to be an established flow of procedures for them firmly established. The problem is that they lack a procedure for helping new members. If I hadn't run into a friend in the pharmacy I would certainly have left the facility without leaving a copy of my visit paperwork in the bin at the reception desk and as a result probably would've had to do the chicken dance for the nursing staff (and of course I would've missed the appointment cause no one told me it was in nursing station B, not A). But I think once you know the system it isn't so bad and it seems pretty efficient. I guess I can see how it makes you feel like a number, though. And, of course, they DID leave me waiting on the butcher paper for over a half hour. Seems to be standard procedure for any healthcare provider.

Alaska Blog -- OOps

2004-10-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

For those of you looking for the Alaska memoirs, I'm sorry but you'll have to wait a little longer. My computer duped me. Check back in a few days!

Spot the Spilt Infinitve

2004-09-29T01:18:00.000-07:00

(as if that's the least of my grammatical sins)

So today at work was OK, but I had a headache most of the day and I think it was stress related. The funny thing is, I didn't have more to do than I could handle. I think my problem was (is) that I am a little lazy, and my body is actually putting up a fight to deter me from working. I saw myself trying to find ways to get out of certain assignments by diplomatically pointing out the needlessness of them (where applicable) to the person who requested it done (not good work ettiquette, BTW). Partly, in my defense, I am motivated by a need for efficiency. Why waste time and paper photocopying some images if I've already scanned and modified them in the computer and just need the printer to be fixed so I can print them out? I will only have to do the work once if we can just wait a couple hours for IT to fix a technical problem. Incidentally (and this does not exonerate me) we DID fix the printer. But that time I spent redoing stuff really wasn't wasted cause God used it to point out another area where I need to be humble and submissive. I think there is a place for pointing out possible improvements in workflow, etc, but it should be motivated by an interest in bettering the workplace, not just getting out of work.

In other news...We had an interesting visitor this evening. My old high school sweetheart, Matt, is working for InterVarsity and is seeking financial & prayer partners. He came by to talk about what he's doing in ministry and see if we'd be interested in supporting him. A couple of months ago he sent a letter and called about it, but I have tried to avoid actually seeing him--I hoped we could conduct all necessary information sessions over the phone. He really wanted to meet with Kurt and me in person, though, so I finally gave in. I figured that if he was so OK with it, I ought to be, too (right?). My hesistancy came mostly from the fact that we haven't had contact in a long time now, and I wasn't sure what to expect out of the meeting. Sometimes it's hard to be with a person in the present who you knew so well in the past; it can be awkward and difficult to relate "normally" cause you just don't know each other anymore but feel that you do--these situations are especially difficult for me since I'm constantly trying to guess what other people are thinking at any given moment (and in his case I used to know or tried so hard to guess that it drove me nuts. Old habits can die hard). From his arrival to his departure, though, I continually reminded myself that we are different people now. Just try to start over. I am happy to say that tonight I felt God's liberation from the past. Thank you Lord for helping us rise above our fear and see clearly.

We had a great conversation (though he and Kurt did most of the talking) and I look forward to following what God does through him with InterVarsity. Incidentally, if any of you out there feel so led, he is still in need of financial support. Perhaps God would like to use you to further the kingdom at UC Irvine by partnering with Matt...

Perhaps A Plethora of Parentheticals

2004-09-27T21:45:00.001-07:00

I thought that I didn't have anything interesting to write about this last weekend, but looking back, I think "what rock were you hiding under?" (to myself--I had no answer) cause I actually had a good weekend and learned all kinds of new things like:

#1) The most deadly ride at Disneyland is the People Mover, and that if you try to take them to court, you have a 4% chance of winning. You can learn these things and more in Mouse Tales: A Behind the Ears Look at Disneyland which I read Friday at my friend's house while babysitting her son. There's a sequel, too, for those of you who just can't get enough dirt on The Mouse. I've felt kinda jaded since reading it, though, so those of you with good memories of Disneyland from childhood beware.

#2) If you eat at McDonald's non-stop for a month, your doctor will think you are crazy and you will put yourself in serious risk of liver failure, kidney stones, and other unexplicable side effects. I have been suspicious for the last few years that McDonald's might be the worst food ever (not yet having tried haggis) and now I'm pretty much sworn off of it for good. Not even a McFlurry for me. (I'll delude myself and go to Foster's Freeze or DQ). For those of you who wish to also say goodbye for good to the Golden Arches, check out the movie documentary Super Size Me. It will probably also make you think twice about eating at any establishment with a Drive Thru (spelling counts). I enjoyed the film, much to my surprise.

#3) If you are having an allergy attack, and you only have drowsy-causing allergy pills, you can stay awake and be the (non-sniffly) life of the party by taking your pills with two Cokes.

#4) You should not put off till Monday what you can do on Friday when the bank is still open cause you just might get called in to work on Monday and not get to go to the bank except on your lunchbreak which will force you to eat in the car on the way and get back just in time to get back to work, cause you just HAVE to have your bank twenty minutes away and not have checking with your account, don't you? Is that extra 2% interest REALLY worth it? IS it?
(:c)
#5) Eventually, work will stop putting you off and call you in for real. And if you give it a chance, you just might discover that working isn't so bad and that there are some really great people at your office (or studio)--even new bosses--that make being there 8 hrs (minus one driving to the bank and back) a pretty good experience.
:)
#6) Eventually, the kids you teach sunday school to will grow up and you won't be able to teach them anymore. You will feel sad to say goodbye, but happy that they still come up to you after church and give you a hug and want to tell you about the funny thing they saw on TV or show you some pictures they drew. And you will remain cool to them as long as you make an effort to show you care.

#7) Every day is a blog-worthy day. Don't save it all for a clever catch up list.

September 22

2004-09-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

One more reason its great not to be working: I can actually help friends out. I spent the day cleaning and moving stuff into my friends, the Barnts', new home. I'm excited for them, and it was cool to share in the fun of putting a new home together.

It's finally, at moments, starting to feel like Fall. I love this time of year. From October to Dec 24th I'm nearly always in a good mood--especially if it's a crisp blustery day. Can't wait to break out my sweaters and scarves and Christmas music. Mom and I are planning to go all out making decorations for the house (newly remodeled, inspired by the Arts and Crafts movement). We've already bought the ingredients for a Fall wreath*. I normally don't do the silk-plant thing, but after last year's wreath of leaves from our lawn barely survived Thanksgiving, I'm thinking I'd like the work to pay off for a few years rather than a few days. Hopefully we'll also make little chocolate turkeys for Thanksgiving.** We used to do it when I was little and I'd like to revive the tradition.

*It'll kind of look like this but with less berries and more leaves, and some sunflowers thrown in.

**this linked recipe gives an idea of what they're like, but ours have a candy corn head (no neck) and a chocolate-star tail instead of almond. Ours are way cuter.

September 21

2004-09-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my humble corner of cyber-space. I've thought about joining the legions of distinguished (and undistinguished) bloggers for awhile, but it took the moving away of some very good friends to finally motivate me to action.

I must confess that I was rather intimidated by the BlogSpot's little "guided tour". They mention all of these journalists and politicians using the BlogSpot as a forum to share their ideas. I have nothing important or spectacular to say. If you've stumbled upon this site looking for genius, or even good laughs, go back to Google.

For those of you still with me (thanks), here's a little run down of my day and the recent troubling weeks...

My time in Alaska (highlights email still in the works, for those of you waiting) made me think a lot about life and God and what I really want and what He may or may not want of me. I used to think that God had a specific plan for my life: who to marry, where to live, what career to pursue, what to eat, and that if I could discover what that will was, then I could follow it and be assured of success. All hard things I encountered were due to my failings or lack of faith. This theology was a crutch for my decision-paralysis. I couldn't even decide what to make for dinner, and the thought of making "big" decisions was truly stressful and fightening to me.

Out in the wilderness, I was confronted with many choices, mostly mundane, but not unimportant: where to camp, what channel on the river to take, when to eat as much as I wanted and when to hold back (just in case). If I followed my theology to its practical conclusions, I'd have to discover God's "will" for all of those things. Somehow, out there, it began to feel ridiculous. Isn't God bigger than the sum of our daily choices? Does making a "wrong" choice somehow put me on a path to destruction and take me out of His "will"? I did make some bad decisions (one of which landed Kurt and I square in the middle of some rapids stuck on a boulder), but discovered that God was with me through them, and was able to redeem any situation.

God wants us to learn to walk, which includes learning to recover after running into obstacles.

God's will, I have begun to realize through reading Scripture, is to seek and save the lost. He wants to live and work through me to accomplish that end. He does not have a specific plan for MY life. A good friend helped me see what a self-centered way of thinking that is. I am not here to be happy, successful, and fulfill my dreams. I am here to know and serve Him, wherever He places me, to be a tool in His hands for His purposes. Sometimes I will be happy and successful, and sometimes quite the opposite. What matters is having a heart utterly submitted to His workings in and through me--THAT is His will for my life. We are presented with opportunities for work, love, etc., but they are not a matter of obedience to His will.

SO that brings you up to speed on my thinking. NOW here's the emotional turmoil I've been fighting: what now? I haven't started back to work yet (Toonacious Entertainment), and they keep calling me and saying they're not ready for me to start yet. Aside from delaying some much-needed income, it is making me feel more and more distant from a company that has been like family to me. While I was gone, the studio grew and changed a good deal, and I feel like I've been left behind. It's tempting to think I ought to move on. But now that I write about it, I think that would be foolish. Where do I expect to get a job that I'll love more or coworkers & bosses that are better to work with? And perhaps I'll find when I return to work that things have not changed so much as the reorganized office space suggests. Funny how a paragraph of Blog cleared up a few days' confusion.

But I can't help thinking about other ideas I have. I love being able to really take care of my home--keep it clean and orderly, make dinner each night and lunch for Kurt to take to work. I can stay on top of laundry and even put pictures into photo albums (gasp). I wish we could afford for me to play house, but I think I need to work as soon as I can. *oh well* And I'd love to write and illustrate children's books, but assuming I could even get one published it would be along time before it ever turned into income--or so I've been told. I'll just keep those ideas on the shelf till God opens a door.

I spent some time at the Zoo drawing today. I really enjoy that and I should go more often. I spent quite awhile drawing two Mouse Deer and a Burrowing Owl. Think I'll try and go again this week.

More tomorrow...