"Having a form of godliness but denying its power"...

2 Timothy 3:5. I never understood that verse until I lived it. And considering it falls in the midst of a lengthy description of the godless people who will come in the last days, this is no easy thing to admit.

Now, being no biblical scholar or seminary graduate, my interpretation may not be perfect, but perhaps at least these observations of my own walk with Christ will be helpful nonetheless...

I never understood what godliness and power had to do with each other. They seemed to be unrelated concepts; godliness had to do with morality and I just didn't see how godly living increased one's power. In fact, moral people seemed often to be very weak or at least marginalized in a darwinian world. So how could one "deny its power"?

But then I began to seek out what it meant to "abide in Christ" (John 15:4-6), how one could live a life wholly yielded to the Spirit and the Savior's work, and what it would look like if they did. I discovered a life that is free, peaceful, and powerful. The Spirit in us asks for our willingness to be used by Him at any cost (sharing in the sufferings of Christ--see Romans 8:17) and once our lives are laid completely at His feet, we begin to experience His power, His love, His goodness flowing through us. This is how godliness and power are related--I have the will to submit to and obey the Spirit, and He in turn manifests His fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc--See Galatians CH5) and works powerfully on behalf of others through me. Without that abject submission, He remains within me, however He is not allowed to work since He will not override my will; if I have the will to do my own thing, then I am allowed to carry it out. He wants ALL of me, of my own accord. He can help me surrender by showing me what I gain in return, but He will not coerce.

So yes, I found and have lived that life of powerful godliness, though not without backsliding. And that brings me to today. For the last week I have been visiting my sister nearly every day since she just moved back in town. Every spare moment we have (which is quite a lot) we spend playing Final Fantasy XI on Play Station 2. This version connects to the internet and allows you to play with other real people, and is a very time consuming (addictive!) game. I have endeavored to learn to play since it would provide a common ground for us (who are very different people and sometimes can't relate), but my good intentions turned sour as I got sucked in. I found myself thinking of the game constantly and worst of all getting hooked on chatting with other players (flirty guy friends of my sister's) while playing. There was this exciting mystery about it--who are these people running around on my screen? And I suddenly found myself far more concerned with impressing them (a very hard thing to do considering I can't play and they have the highest ranks) than just about anything else. As if their approval means anything!

My mind & heart have been taken from prayer to this game, and I've found myself an empty shell. On the outside still going through the motions, thinking I am still walking with the Lord, but inside I given over to self. "...having a form of godliness but denying its power." I have no faith in this state--I can talk to God and feel good about Him, but have no will to step out and act on the things I believe; its too much work to fight through doubt and choose faith. And "... as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead."(Jas 2:26) I am the "double-minded man" described in Jas 1:6-8 -- blown and tossed like the sea because of the doubts alowed to linger.

I miss the long times of prayer and the constant assurance of the Spirit's presence and work. I miss living a life given to the Kingdom. I hate the emptiness. These doubts steal my life away.

So let this blog be my confession and first step of repentance. Perhaps I will be able to play again and do so in a godly way, but for now I'm going back to prayer and seeking Him so that I can put that game out of my mind.

It's time to surrender again.